It seems I am learning in person how difficult it is for families to address memory problems with their loved one. As I said last post, I wrote a letter to my mother's doctor giving her my observations about mom's memory loss. The doctor has recommended my mother get an MRI. It is scheduled for next week. In the meantime, I am now public enemy #1. I still believe getting her medical help as soon as possible is the right decision. I obviously didn't go about it the best way.
I should have known, for someone who has prided herself on her intellect all her life and whose self concept is so tied to her intelligence, my "accusations" are a direct assault on her person. She told me she believes I have "thrown down the gauntlet" and she is going to prove me wrong. How thankful I would be to be wrong. I would gladly eat crow for the rest of my life to be wrong about this. I am so thankful we should have some kind of answer in the next 2 weeks.
But for now, in order to save my own sanity, I have got to withdraw and just not talk with either my mom or dad. I know this is my own bed I've made and I should have to lie in it. This is one time I am so very thankful to be living far away. It is possible for me to take the chicken way out and withdraw for a couple weeks. But right now, there is just too much stress and since we do live far away, this is a stress I can eliminate, if temporarily. At work, I have a couple empty beds at the assisted living facility. Every business is in business to make money and in this economy, no-one's job is secure. Then my husband's job is for the Department of Defense. With the talk of federal budget cuts, his job is no more secure than anyone else's.
This solution may be no better than how I started this process, but to save my own sanity, I have to withdraw and pray for the strength to deal with it and wisdom to know best to deal with it. Probably should have done that to begin with.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
To Know or Not to Know
Well now I've done it. After returning home from seeing my parents, I wrote to my Mom's doctor about my observations of her memory loss. I haven't talked with my Mom yet, but my brother gave me a head's up that the doctor called her and talked with her about testing. My purpose in writing to the doctor was to try to get her the standard dementia medication. I know it doesn't cure and it is effective in about 50% of patients, but I would still like her to have the possibility.
I have watched one of my residents decline cognitively over the past year and a half. Her family has been adamant about no medication. And now she is getting close to the point I will have to discharge her to a skilled nursing facility. Physically she is in great shape, but her cognition has really declined over a year and a half. She came to assisted living in pretty good shape. I contrast that with the husband of one of my support group members. They have been dealing with something for 5 years and got the dementia diagnosis about 4 years ago. He had several trials of different medication, but they did find a combination that didn't have too many side effects. He has been at a plateau for about a year now and they seem to be having a pretty positive quality of life for the last several years. I know not everyone responds to the medication, but if there is a chance it could work for my Mom and slow the progression, I would like to try.
Of course now the dilemma I should have had but blew right past is, is it fair to put my Mom in a position where she has confirmation of her fears with the actual diagnosis? Is the benefit of the possibility of slowing the progression of the disease more important than the negative of knowing you have a non-curable, progressive disease? Not such easy answers where you are facing it yourself as it is to watch other families and think you know what they should do.
I gave an in-service to my staff not long ago about dementia. We talked about the small percentage of people who have a genetic predisposition. There was discussion about whether you would want to know or not. I'm looking at 2 generations ahead of me with the symptoms, if not clinical diagnosis. My answer that day with my staff was, I was not sure I would want to know. Now I've put my mother in a position where she may have to face the confirmation of a diagnosis. Now we wait for the testing and results. I think at this point my only solution is to pray; for strength for all of us, for peace with my decision, and for forgiveness from my parents for bringing this to a head.
I have watched one of my residents decline cognitively over the past year and a half. Her family has been adamant about no medication. And now she is getting close to the point I will have to discharge her to a skilled nursing facility. Physically she is in great shape, but her cognition has really declined over a year and a half. She came to assisted living in pretty good shape. I contrast that with the husband of one of my support group members. They have been dealing with something for 5 years and got the dementia diagnosis about 4 years ago. He had several trials of different medication, but they did find a combination that didn't have too many side effects. He has been at a plateau for about a year now and they seem to be having a pretty positive quality of life for the last several years. I know not everyone responds to the medication, but if there is a chance it could work for my Mom and slow the progression, I would like to try.
Of course now the dilemma I should have had but blew right past is, is it fair to put my Mom in a position where she has confirmation of her fears with the actual diagnosis? Is the benefit of the possibility of slowing the progression of the disease more important than the negative of knowing you have a non-curable, progressive disease? Not such easy answers where you are facing it yourself as it is to watch other families and think you know what they should do.
I gave an in-service to my staff not long ago about dementia. We talked about the small percentage of people who have a genetic predisposition. There was discussion about whether you would want to know or not. I'm looking at 2 generations ahead of me with the symptoms, if not clinical diagnosis. My answer that day with my staff was, I was not sure I would want to know. Now I've put my mother in a position where she may have to face the confirmation of a diagnosis. Now we wait for the testing and results. I think at this point my only solution is to pray; for strength for all of us, for peace with my decision, and for forgiveness from my parents for bringing this to a head.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Planning ahead with Legal matters
The last couple weeks have been very intense. I went back to Missouri for a working vacation. I recently had an elder law attorney speak at the Caregiver Support Group. He talked about the legal paperwork you should be sure to have in place. So I scanned copies of my parents Advanced Directive, Power of Attorneys, Wills, all forms of insurance, and something with the account numbers on all their other assets and bills. We went to the bank and put my name on the checking account, only on the signature card, not as a joint owner. That was one of the pieces of advice the Elder Law attorney gave and the staff member at the bank agreed. I also made sure a friend of the family and a neighbor have my contact information. It seems to be the most I can do living 1000 miles away. I was researching the topic for my last Caregiver Support Group and the phrase that "most caregiving begins with an emergency call in the night", really stuck with me. There is so much you can't anticipate. This way, at least I will have somewhat of a head start.
My boss has had a rough couple weeks too. She had to move her mother from assisted living to a skilled nursing facility because she has declined to where she needs more care. Doesn't really put you in the mood for the holidays. We make quite a pair, my boss and I. We both have loved caring for seniors with dementia during our long term care careers. Now we both find ourselves dealing with it on a personal basis. As with the job, she is several steps ahead of me in the process. I still love my job and would not change. Maybe this will give me another perspective so I can do a better job in my job and my job help me to do a better job with family caregiving. One more box checked off, on to the next.
My boss has had a rough couple weeks too. She had to move her mother from assisted living to a skilled nursing facility because she has declined to where she needs more care. Doesn't really put you in the mood for the holidays. We make quite a pair, my boss and I. We both have loved caring for seniors with dementia during our long term care careers. Now we both find ourselves dealing with it on a personal basis. As with the job, she is several steps ahead of me in the process. I still love my job and would not change. Maybe this will give me another perspective so I can do a better job in my job and my job help me to do a better job with family caregiving. One more box checked off, on to the next.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)