So I suggested to my dad several months ago that we plan a vacation to where Mom grew up while she was still able to remember landmarks. So he arranged for us to stay at their time share condo in the area. Both of my brothers and even my oldest son were able to make it for at least a couple days. I was pretty shocked at the decline I could see in person as opposed to what you get when talking on the phone. Mom has always had really poor vision. She kept saying the reason she was having trouble was because of her vision, but it was pretty clear it was cognitive loss. She was not able to find the light switch to the bathroom. Trained well, my brothers kept turning it off. Dad needs to help her with pretty much all of her ADL's, bathing, dressing, grooming and of course he has been doing the cooking for over a year. Since we were in a new place, it wasn't surprising that she would get lost and not be able to find the right bedroom. But in talking with my husband, Dad said she gets lost in their house now too. Unlike many people, they have not lived their whole married life in this house. But still, they have lived there over 15 years now.
Several things were revealed to me through this vacation that I could only learn through direct experience and I hope will help me in my relationships with assisted living families. First, no matter how bad the situation, it is extremely difficult to convince your parents of the need for help. Not only do they not recognize the losses that have come about, but you still retain your position as child in the relationship. I can so much better appreciate how families put off the decision to move to assisted living until there is a crisis. It doesn't matter how logical or rational your reasons, your parents either don't see it or accept it. And as the child wanting to continue to earn your parent's love and save the relationship, you can't force the issue either.
Secondly, I watched how as a caregiver my dad doesn't have time to process and deal with any feelings of loss and grief he may have. His time is consumed with the practical matters of Mom's day to day care, which becomes more and more involved over time. It doesn't appear to be denial. I think it is just that there is neither any emotional or physical energy left to deal with or even acknowledge your own feelings as the caregiver. That realization certainly helped me to write a better press release for the next Caregiver Support Group meeting. I had a recent inquiry at the assisted living. A woman whose husband has dementia. He has recently had to go to the nursing home because he just became too much for her to handle. She became extremely depressed and the family felt being around other people would be beneficial for her. It is understandable how you would become depressed. All those years of direct care and not being able to deal with your feelings and then suddenly having them all exposed at one time. It is no wonder she became depressed.
The third and most unexpected realization was my own response. At one point I realized that I had begun to refer to my mom as "her" and "she". It was startling the first time I caught myself. And so the mental health experience in my background came out and I tried to figure out why. The only thing I have come up with is that I recognize this is no longer really my mother. This is not the personality or the person who raised me and who I grew up with. So the "she" refers to this new person I am now dealing with. And I imagine there is some of the pushing away of the feelings of loss on my part as well as I try to negotiate myself and help my dad negotiate the practical tasks related to caregiving.
All in all I believe it was a successful vacation. Mom did remember several of the places we stopped. We got to meet some cousins she had not met before. We were all able to be together, which happens only every few years. I think we all, including Dad, are more aware of just where she is at functionally. And I hope the experience will help me as I work with assisted living families. I still believe God has called me to work with seniors and their families and I can see how this experience will help me to be much more empathic in my work.
