When I started in long term care 30 years ago, it was because I just loved old people. That has what has kept me coming back to long term care after stints in mental health and hospice. I love talking to old people, I feel like I understand their needs and I'm driven to help provide the best quality of care and quality of life I can for them for as long as possible. But my journey seems to be changing over the last few years. I am being drawn more and more into caring for the family members, mostly adult children as well. And now I find myself, "I are one".
In years past, I had more of the attitude, I'm the expert in this area. I'll tell you what is best, how to provide the best life for your loved one. Now I'm finding myself in a relationship with family members that is about sharing the journey. I know to keep the personal versus professional boundaries. But I think I'm more helpful to families when I can say, "you know what, there is no one right answer. You just have to do the best you can with the information you have at the time. And I'm right there with you sharing how frustrating this disease is." In my younger years I would have thought that attitude would decrease my professional reputation. Now I think it makes me more beneficial in supporting families, who are so important to the quality of life for the residents.
My husband and I recently made a flying trip to see both sides of the parents. His dad is very seriously ill with cancer. I have been really trying to push my dad to move in with us so I can help him take care of Mom. I realized on the many hour trip to see them that I think my motivation is to try to control the illness as much as possible. I've struggled with control issues all my adult life. Before the trip, I tried to look at his point of view and the reasons he doesn't want to move. I created a pros and cons list to still try to convince him even though I understood his reasoning, the right choice was to come live with us. After being at the house, I have decided to give up trying to convince him. He is an engineer and so he is designing all kinds of modifications to make it work at their house. As a person of faith, I have learned over the years that when I try to push my ways it doesn't work out the best and I need to trust God and turn it over to him. So like my family members at work that I try to provide emotional support in their decision to have Mom or Dad come live in assisted living, I will provide support to my Dad who wants to do it on his own.
The most surprising revelation I had on our most recent trip was my own response to my mother's decline. I knew Dad was doing all the household duties and had to give her a shower. Some times on the phone, it is deceptive. She will talk about having to put to sleep their cat of 15 years, which happened about a month ago. Yet face to face, I sat there and watched as she stroked the other cat sitting on the back of the chair while asking my Dad if they still had a cat. I found myself not making eye contact with her or looking directly at her and I was shocked by my reaction. I remember years ago when I first went to the nursing home and not understanding why families were so upset and couldn't accept their loved one the way they were now because I could. And now I am that family member. How true, how true my blog title.
