During my weekly phone call to my parents, I let myself become annoyed. We were talking about my job, which is unusual in itself because I usually spend an hour saying, "yes, uh-huh". And my Mom made a comment about how terrible it was. Here is the person who has championed my career for years and in fact raised me to believe your career was the most important part of your life, now criticizing my helping profession. I let my emotions get the better of me and I flipped off, "no it would be much better to let someone stay at home who was not safe and let them start the house on fire and die unnecessarily like someone did here locally a few weeks ago, than to have them move to assisted living". Then as usual, looking back on the conversation, (and after reading a chapter in a new book I got called Speaking Alzheimer's) I realize that the same job she once praised me for and was so pleased about when we were both younger, is completely different now that it may apply to her. When she said, it is terrible to think about giving up everything you have and living in one room, she was realizing that is an option she may soon be facing. My problem is that I have to figure out how to have these insights before it is too late instead of realizing after it is over.
I think my only hope is to rely on the wisdom of God and pray for insight before I call. No matter how many years of experience I have in the field, I need the wisdom and leading of God to handle this the right way when it comes to my own family. God grant me the wisdom before the conversation, rather than after.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Guilt, guilt and more guilt
I think guilt must be the one constant when you are a caregiver. Are you doing enough, are you doing the "right things", should you be doing something different? My guilt this week involves how different it is as a family member compared to being a professional. I can listen to assisted living residents tell the same stories over and over and have patience unlimited. But when my mom starts to launch into the same stories I've heard over and over, my patience wears thin. Then I feel guilty. I've told family members a hundred times that things are different when it is your family that has dementia, even if you have lots of experience with others. And I see first hand how true that is.
My mom is a talker. She has a tremendous need to talk a lot, the typical extrovert. This was true before her memory started to slip. Now that she doesn't remember she has already told you the story, a lot means for hours at a time. I am not a talker and I need quiet to recharge. So every week when I call, I hear the same stories over and over for an hour or so. I get annoyed and then I feel guilty. I know in my mind I should be thankful. We are in the early stages, she is still able to carry on a conversation, she still knows who I am. So how do I fix this? In my devotion time this morning I'm reading how sometimes God allows us experiences, some would call trials, that enable us to comfort others as He comforts us in our trials. I can tell you that I certainly understand better how the most intelligent, health care professionals can function just the same as the average man on the street when it is their family member that develops dementia. Maybe that is the lesson to be learned?
My mom is a talker. She has a tremendous need to talk a lot, the typical extrovert. This was true before her memory started to slip. Now that she doesn't remember she has already told you the story, a lot means for hours at a time. I am not a talker and I need quiet to recharge. So every week when I call, I hear the same stories over and over for an hour or so. I get annoyed and then I feel guilty. I know in my mind I should be thankful. We are in the early stages, she is still able to carry on a conversation, she still knows who I am. So how do I fix this? In my devotion time this morning I'm reading how sometimes God allows us experiences, some would call trials, that enable us to comfort others as He comforts us in our trials. I can tell you that I certainly understand better how the most intelligent, health care professionals can function just the same as the average man on the street when it is their family member that develops dementia. Maybe that is the lesson to be learned?
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Role of Support Groups
I have been hosting a support group for Caregivers of people with dementia for about 4 years now. Attendance is declining and I'm wondering if it is even a useful format any more. the Alzheimer's Association has a website with so much information. Maybe in this day online information is what people are looking for? Then I have the one spouse who attends every month and tells me he doesn't get anything out of it. Do I need to keep using my time and resources to keep something going that is not helping anyone? I always felt like there was something important in the connecting of people who are having similar experiences. I spoke with the one faithful attendee and we talked about changing the time. I originally scheduled it for afternoon thinking that spouses who are caring for someone would be less likely to drive at night. We'll try evening and see if that helps attendance. Maybe I'm just in a funk and need to refresh. I guess time will tell.
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