Family Dynamics

I have a family at the assisted living right now who are having a time.  Two children with very different personalities, different views on what needs to be done and no-one has been designated Power of Attorney. I try to help both of them and remain neutral in this situation, but I can't help but project myself and my brothers in the same future situation.  You have very capable and responsible adults with different views about what is important for quality of life, what the goals are for medical care, trying to take into consideration what would be their father's wishes and you can't help but filter those through your own personal beliefs.

I hadn't planned on taking a trip to Missouri this year.  But since I will still have 1 more week of vacation to use before the end of the year, I have decided I want to take that trip.  I have seen so many things in the last few months, that I want to try to be proactive as much as possible.  I'd better get my name on the bank accounts so bill paying could continue in the event of a crisis.  I am already named the Power of Attorney.  I'm having an elder law attorney speak at the Caregiver Support Group in September and I hope to find out what other practical things I need to do in advance to minimize problems later.

But what can you do in advance to prepare the relationship piece.  All 3 of us children are intelligent people.  Of course I believe I should have the last word since I am the Power of Attorney and I am a health care professional.  But my brothers are also very strong personalities with strong views and rightly so who may not agree that I would know best.   I also see my cousin who has lost both parents in the last two years.  Her only sibling is giving her a hard time as the executor of the estate.  So not only has she lost her parents, but her relationship with her brother is not good because of these differences of opinion about what should be done.  Is there a way to be sure our parents have the best quality of life and maintain relationships when there may be very different views on what quality of life means?  How do I help the assisted living family members when I don't have all the answers myself?  Why is it there are more questions as you get older instead of more answers?