I don't want to be the oldest generation

As the new year begins, I find myself not with feelings of anticipation, but of dread.  My dad has always been the person I most look up to.  I've asked him advice on home improvement, managing people, parenting.  I'd like to ask him relationship advice right now.  I've mentioned before the one fight I heard my parents have when I was about in 6th grade.  My Mom was always the social butterfly, needing to be with lots of other people, liking to be the center of attention.  My dad, on the other hand, was quiet and a true introvert.  He finds himself when he is working in his shop.  Even though I'm over 50 years old, I'd like to call and talk with him about how you make such a situation work, for my own life.  They obviously did.

But I can't bring myself to burden him with one more thing.  Already I miss being able to go to him.  The Christmas gift deal was a real eye opener that he is just making it with what he already has on his plate.  I remember when my maternal grandfather died.  I thought to myself at the time, how hard that must be for my mom to now be the oldest generation.  The source of wisdom and strength, who other people must rely on.  I don't want to be the oldest generation.  I want my dad to be there.  I've known for awhile that mom was not in that position any more because of the dementia.  I need to be a source of strength now for my dad, not the other way around.

One of my earliest memories was when I had a bad dream one night.  It was less than 5 years old because I remember the bedroom I had at the time.  My dad came to see what was the matter.  I told him I had a dream that he had died.  He reassured me that it would be a long time before that would happen.  I still hope that is a long time in coming.  But already I miss my dad.  I'm not equipped to be the oldest generation.  I don't want to be the oldest generation yet.