My week ended with a meeting requested by one of our assisted living family members. When she called to set it up, I already had set my mind to dread it. This is a family member I just can not seem to please. Whenever she says anything to me, it is a complaint. Even when there might be the hint of a compliment, there is a "but" that goes with it to negate the compliment. We just can't seem to do things right for her. Her personality is such that it comes across very forcefully and harsh. I guess I am spoiled because what we usually hear from families is how great we are, how much they appreciate what we are doing. And of course that is what we all want to hear.
The night before, I was praying for strength and wisdom. My response was such a clear message that this daughter very much wants to be in control and I needed to listen and respect that, I can't help but believe it was an answer to prayer. I was reminded of the phrase Joyce Meyer uses so often, hurting people hurt others. So while I still felt on the defensive and I know my body language was defensive, I at least went into the meeting with a better mindset than I would have otherwise.
During the meeting, this daughter pointed out all the ways her expectations had not been met. And I could not disagree with any of them. There was nothing that would endanger her father, but they were all valid complaints. But the most striking theme for me that came through was her desire to be involved. Many times we see families who are overwhelmed by the situation, taking care of mom or dad while working and taking care of their own families. They are relieved when we, "the professionals" come in and handle things with mom or dad and relieve some of their pressure. Yes this daughter has control issues, which I can see in myself as well. But if I stop and put myself in her shoes and how I would feel if we were talking about my mother, I was much better able to see her point. This is one family member that does not want the "professionals" to handle things and wants to be in control.
Although it certainly doesn't feel as good to have areas of growth pointed out to you as it does to get the praise of families, I left the message thankful for the opportunity to grow and to improve my team. Yes, I wanted to sit in a dark room and cry somewhere for not having everything perfect, because I am a perfectionist. But if I move past my own feelings and acknowledge her points, it will only help me improve care for residents and families. I have never realized how much caring for families is just as important a part of my job as I have recently.
When I look at my life I am so amazed at how God really does have a perfect plan. The crazy patchwork of jobs I have held over the past 25 years has perfectly prepared me to care for residents, supervise staff in a supportive manner, counsel families and community members and prepare me for my own family's needs. And at the same time, my mother's illness is equipping me with the experience to be better at my job. I have to keep reminding myself that spiritual, emotional and vocational growth is like exercise, when you exercise to improve your muscles, there is discomfort. But that discomfort is a reminder that you are improving. And so in the end, I am thankful for the hard meeting.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Conversations about Nothing
I find myself thinking about the old TV show "Seinfeld". They called it a show about nothing. Over the years, I have learned how to do a great job having conversations about nothing. I had a call from Mom while I was at work again this week. I try to respond to those as soon as I can because I know it means something has happened that has triggered her to call me. Then it takes some investigative interviewing to figure out what it is.
I'm so thankful for the experiences God has provided over the years that allow me to slip into the therapeutic mode with Mom in these situations. I was running errands for work, so I did what I swear I would never do and talked on my cell phone while cashing the petty cash check, buying stamps, etc. From what I could figure out, Mom is bored. I understand very well the personality difference between she and my Dad because it is very much like the difference between me and my husband. I am happy as a clam to cocoon in the house with my knitting or other hobbies. My husband likes to be around other people. So too, my dad loves his workshop and can spend many happy hours working on a project. My mother has always been a social butterfly and needs to be around people. So the phone call this week was because she gets bored around the house while dad is in his workshop. I could also see with her, what I have seen in residents at the assisted living. They are bored and want to be busy, but the skills to self initiate a project and keep it going are gone. I have bought my mother abstract coloring books, a journal, a book to prompt her to write about her life and the materials to paint. But she is just not able to organize and take that first step. And probably even if she took the first step, could not maintain concentration to keep at it.
On the one hand, my problem solving brain kicked into gear, what could be done (by me long distance) to help with her need to do something and be with people? Secondly, but probably most important was to meet the emotional need at that time. At one point in the conversation it went through my head, even if they were here with me, I would be gone during the day and this would still be an issue. So I contacted the local Senior Center. I sent the information to my dad and we will see where it goes from there.
It was interesting kind of looking in from the outside at myself, kicking into the professional mode with my own family, playing detective trying to figure out what was going on, what where the needs she was trying to fill, navigating through the same threads of conversation every 5 minutes yet finding the questions to decipher the issue at hand. I've had lots of conversations about nothing with residents over the years. Having worked as a counselor getting to the emotional content of conversations and not so much the actual content, I guess it is a skill I'm pretty comfortable using. It seems pretty normal to me to go around and around and validate feelings while trying to mine for what the person is trying to express. So when I talked with my scientist brother, it was very interesting. He is a chemistry professor, the height of logical thought. So the same day when Mom called him and began circling round and round, he was not as prepared with how to respond. Yet what makes us such a good team is that with his logic, he was able to have a conversation with dad about how mom being pretty confused all the time effects him.
I don't care what anyone else says, if you think God does not have a plan, you are not paying attention. Thirty years of a crazy patchwork of jobs in long term care and mental health is the best preparation for what I'm dealing with now and I hope helping other families as well.
I'm so thankful for the experiences God has provided over the years that allow me to slip into the therapeutic mode with Mom in these situations. I was running errands for work, so I did what I swear I would never do and talked on my cell phone while cashing the petty cash check, buying stamps, etc. From what I could figure out, Mom is bored. I understand very well the personality difference between she and my Dad because it is very much like the difference between me and my husband. I am happy as a clam to cocoon in the house with my knitting or other hobbies. My husband likes to be around other people. So too, my dad loves his workshop and can spend many happy hours working on a project. My mother has always been a social butterfly and needs to be around people. So the phone call this week was because she gets bored around the house while dad is in his workshop. I could also see with her, what I have seen in residents at the assisted living. They are bored and want to be busy, but the skills to self initiate a project and keep it going are gone. I have bought my mother abstract coloring books, a journal, a book to prompt her to write about her life and the materials to paint. But she is just not able to organize and take that first step. And probably even if she took the first step, could not maintain concentration to keep at it.
On the one hand, my problem solving brain kicked into gear, what could be done (by me long distance) to help with her need to do something and be with people? Secondly, but probably most important was to meet the emotional need at that time. At one point in the conversation it went through my head, even if they were here with me, I would be gone during the day and this would still be an issue. So I contacted the local Senior Center. I sent the information to my dad and we will see where it goes from there.
It was interesting kind of looking in from the outside at myself, kicking into the professional mode with my own family, playing detective trying to figure out what was going on, what where the needs she was trying to fill, navigating through the same threads of conversation every 5 minutes yet finding the questions to decipher the issue at hand. I've had lots of conversations about nothing with residents over the years. Having worked as a counselor getting to the emotional content of conversations and not so much the actual content, I guess it is a skill I'm pretty comfortable using. It seems pretty normal to me to go around and around and validate feelings while trying to mine for what the person is trying to express. So when I talked with my scientist brother, it was very interesting. He is a chemistry professor, the height of logical thought. So the same day when Mom called him and began circling round and round, he was not as prepared with how to respond. Yet what makes us such a good team is that with his logic, he was able to have a conversation with dad about how mom being pretty confused all the time effects him.
I don't care what anyone else says, if you think God does not have a plan, you are not paying attention. Thirty years of a crazy patchwork of jobs in long term care and mental health is the best preparation for what I'm dealing with now and I hope helping other families as well.
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