Once again I find myself dealing with the same issues with my own parents as I do with people calling the assisted living. What is it about caregivers and especially male caregivers that tells them they have failed if they ask for help.
We have an on-going struggle with my dad to try to get him to see that the children want to be of help and he doesn't need to do everything on his own. It seems to be shouting into the wind for all of his response. His theory is he should be able to do it all and he doesn't want to impose. If your family is not there to pull together to help in a situation, that what kind of family are you?
Likewise I had a call yesterday from a man I've spoken with before, but he has called in the past about his elderly mother. Yesterday he called about his sister who was diagnosed about 4 years ago with early onset Alzheimer's. Four years ago, she would have been my age. Since that time, her husband has been taking care of her. Naturally, things have gotten more difficult with her care over the years. The call yesterday was from the long distance brother who wants to get help for his sister and her husband. The prevailing wisdom is that people are always better off at home (a topic I intend to talk about in a later post). So the husband spends thousands of dollars every month with sitter service, buying meals because his wife's care is all consuming and still he finds himself on the brink of exhaustion as her care needs increase.
My phone call with the brother consisted of talking about possible respite placement for the sister not only so we could meet her care needs, but to prevent the husband from literally wearing himself out. I see the same thing with my dad and my fear for him is that he will literally kill himself trying to take care of my mom without help from the kids or others. My conversation yesterday involved a lot of discussion about how to phrase the discussion so the husband will not feel like he is failing if he gets help.
I feel like that is a big reason there is not a better turn out for the Caregiver Support Group. For some reason people feel like it is better to suffer in silence, more virtuous or something, than to accept help. As the number of people diagnosed with dementia increases, this is going to become an even more serious problem. When the caregivers exhaust themselves, then who will care for the individuals with dementia. We will end up with both husband and wife needing long term care, which a huge percentage of the population has not prepared financially. So many questions and not many answers.
On the other hand, I look back over my career and I'm amazed at my experiences and how God has prepared me just for this particular role, both personally and professionally. What is most needed in the assisted living setting is not someone who is a nurse, although the nurse is invaluable. But as the administrator, what I find myself doing more and more is counseling people. I did enjoy my 7 years working for the mental health center. At the time, I thought of it more as the job that was available at the time. But now I see how those 7 years honing my counseling skills has better prepared me to be of serious help, not only to the residents and families I serve, but to the community. Once again, I see how God really does have a plan and really does know best.
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