I haven't written for months. I guess because my feeling was "what does it matter". All around, both in my personal situation and at work, I see people who hang on to denial, those who suffer in silence, and mostly people who are just trying to make it through another day. I am normally a pretty optimistic person, although you would never guess that from this post. But this was a pretty rough week and I guess I just need to sort it out for myself.
I have been surprised over the last year how much I have begun to see the assisted living families as much my clients as the residents themselves. I guess because I am now a family member, I relate to just how difficult a position it is to try to find the middle ground between wanting your parents to be safe and cared for and retaining their independence. This family member caregiver stuff is not for the faint at heart.
My week started with a new resident that we have been preparing for 6 weeks to make a smooth transition from being at home with a part time sitter to assisted living. She has been coming to the assisted living for meals and activities so she could be familiar with the building and staff. So Sunday she moves in. And she makes it 1 day. I never would have predicted that her dementia was at the level that she needed a secure environment. But after stating she was going to walk home several times, we had to make an emergency transfer elsewhere. And my heart goes out to the daughter. She really was trying to do the best she could. She couldn't afford round the clock sitters, not many people can. The stark reality that mother is more advanced than just not being able to remember what she ate for lunch must really be a punch to the gut.
It has been quite eye opening to see how judgemental "professionals" can be about families. I must admit, I was once one of those judgemental professionals, the family is just concerned about mom's house and assets, they just don't want to be bothered, etc. But I had a talk with a good friend who is now seeing the mother professionally. The very same phrase from the daughter was interpreted very differently by my friend and myself. Where I see a daughter who will do anything to get her mother the care that she now needs, my friend sees a daughter who just wants to put mom out of her way.
Then later in the week I find myself with another resident who is quite appropriate for assisted living, but quite frankly madder than hell that she is there. The daughter has had more than 2 years of experience dealing not only with her father's decline with Alzheimer's disease but her mother's depression and now also signs of Alzheimer's. No one wants to come to assisted living, it is always a decision borne of necessity. The daughter knows it is necessary after some past issues. The mother is mad and determined to make the daughter pay emotionally.
Granted it is a tough time of year to have to be dealing with these issues. Everyone wants the television special Christmas. And I find myself certainly wanting to be sure the mothers have the appropriate care, yet understanding all too well the pain and difficulty of the daughters. I have no answers. But then one of the daughters gave me the perfect answer. "Sometimes you find yourself getting through day by day. Sometimes it is all you can do to get through minute by minute." My only solution is to pray. Give me the words, give me the knowledge, give me the wisdom to help these ladies have the best quality of life possible and the daughters to have the support they need for a very, very difficult situation. Sometimes all you can do it pray. Sometimes the most important thing you can do it pray.
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