Yoga Mantra- Letting Go of Expectations

So I had this great plan I passed on to my brothers.  Instead of listening over and over again to the 3 main themes; "I go to sit and stretch twice a week,  the doctor told me not to drive but I still have my license, and I was good at and enjoyed my job, I had suggested we try to refocus Mom and get her to tell us stories of her younger days and childhood that we could preserve for the future.  You know, make that time more productive.  So last weekend, I had the questions suggested by a Family History book laid out in front of me while we talked.  I tried several times to ask questions, but found that Mom was not to be side tracked to topics that I thought were a more productive use of our time.

Not to be dissuaded because of course I need to find something constructive out of this experience, I am faced with the truth that these topics are what are important to Mom right now.  No matter how unimportant I find them and think we need to make better use of the time, to her this must be an important use of her time.  I've said before how so many things in my life interconnect.  I have discovered how much I love yoga.  Of course physically it gives me a good work out, but more importantly, I've discovered how the philosophy is great for de-stressing.  One of our yoga teachers repeats several times in class; letting go of competition, letting go of expectation, living in the moment.  In this situation, I'm realizing I have to let go of expectation.  What seems to be a good use of time and significant to me, is not for Mom.  And in my quest to always be productive, I may have to resort to doing something mindless at the same time as I'm listening, like scan old pictures.  For the 1 hour I'm talking to Mom every week, I have to let go of that time and let it be about what she needs.  For the goal driven, productivity junky that I am, this will be a major change.  But then maybe that is why I get so stressed out anyway.  I can't change the part of me that wants to learn something from every situation, at least not yet.

So this week and as long as we can, the conversation will be about what you want Mom, regardless of whether I can make it productive or not.  Letting go of expectation.....

Stress of Leadership

I think the loss of resident recently plus personal stress is getting to me.  I feel exhausted.  Yet I know as the leader, I need to set the example for how to keep going, keep working to make our residents have the best quality of life possible.  On the other hand, I can also empathize with the stress of balancing work and family.  I doesn't matter that the majority of my workers are just above minimum wage employees.  When you are a working woman, you have to balance your work and your home life.  Will I be a better boss if I can empathize?  I don't really know.

I have not yet filled the beds vacated by our recent losses.  So on top of the feelings of loss associated with the residents and their families, we become close to the families when they are very involved, there is the stress to fill the beds.  Our owners are really wonderful people who have many years in long term care and know that there is an ebb and flow to the census.  So the pressure is mostly self inflicted.  Although my boss is pretty focused on filling beds.  After all, isn't that how we measure success in our lives?  No wonder you see depression along with dementia so often.  As a society, we do equate value of people based on what they are able to do, to perform.

My call with my parents last week echoed this theme.  I could hear the sadness and frustration in my Mom's voice.  She is frustrated because she can't do the things she used to do.  In the past, most of her self concept was based on her "career".  And it doesn't help that neither she nor my Dad have really ever been sick.  She doesn't really understand what is going on.  She keeps referring to the stroke.  And the terms she uses doesn't really change anything.  Her brain has changed.  She seems to be getting to where she is realizing she is not going to get better.  So on top of what is going on at work, I feel it is my responsibility to try to help my Mom reframe her situation and try to find the silver lining.  Oh yeah, and both of my children are moving out of state to pursue their dreams.  I'm proud of them, yet we have never before not had at least one of them in town with us.

My Bible study recently has been on the book of Ecclesiastes.  It seems to be very much in line with my current mood.  Vanity, vanity, all is vanity, a meaningless chasing after the wind.  At least in the big picture I know how the book ends.  There is a time for everything.  My mission now, is to sift through and figure out how to interpret this time in my life.

It's Never Easy to Let Go

It has been a rough month.  Earlier in the month, we had a resident have a massive heart attack and die on the spot.  Then 2 weeks later, one of our long term residents got up from the table and said she felt funny.  She has mid stage dementia, so we know she is not always the greatest in communicating what is going on, but knew that was extremely unusual, so sent her out to the emergency room.  She was diagnosed with a brain bleed and died several days later.  Her funeral was yesterday.  While she was in the hospital, I had several conversations with her family.  One of the children had said to me before that the Mom they knew was gone a long time ago.  They could see glimpses of the person they once knew once in a while, but for the most part were committed to providing the best care for the body that was once their mother.  Even though she had been "gone" for a long time, it was so hard to see her children and how hard it was on them.  Certainly when we care for someone for several years, we become attached and it is hard to say good bye as well.  I could tell myself and also discussed with the family how a massive bleed like that was relatively quick and she did not seem to experience pain.  And some comfort knowing she did not get to where she was basically a physical shell, having total care provided.

Which is the other side of the coin.  Another resident took a rapid turn for the worse recently.  Both his family and our staff feel certain it is the result of depression related to unresolved family relationship.  But he had come to the point very quickly that he needed more care than we can provide in assisted living.  It was hard for everyone, well except him maybe.  The family wanted him to stay in assisted living as long as possible.  He had gone to the in patient geriatric psychiatric unit to see if the depression would respond to a change in medication.  But he continued to decline and just seemed to have given up.  Even though we know he needs to go where he will get the appropriate level of care, it is hard to watch someone you have grown to care about decline.

I guess I should remind myself that if we did not truly care about our residents, it would not matter to us.  But we do care about them and do become attached and it is hard to say good bye.  I can only hope that I have fulfilled my mission to provide the best quality of life for these residents during the time they stay with us.  And knowing that may take some of the sting out of losing them.