When I started in long term care 30 years ago, it was because I just loved old people. That has what has kept me coming back to long term care after stints in mental health and hospice. I love talking to old people, I feel like I understand their needs and I'm driven to help provide the best quality of care and quality of life I can for them for as long as possible. But my journey seems to be changing over the last few years. I am being drawn more and more into caring for the family members, mostly adult children as well. And now I find myself, "I are one".
In years past, I had more of the attitude, I'm the expert in this area. I'll tell you what is best, how to provide the best life for your loved one. Now I'm finding myself in a relationship with family members that is about sharing the journey. I know to keep the personal versus professional boundaries. But I think I'm more helpful to families when I can say, "you know what, there is no one right answer. You just have to do the best you can with the information you have at the time. And I'm right there with you sharing how frustrating this disease is." In my younger years I would have thought that attitude would decrease my professional reputation. Now I think it makes me more beneficial in supporting families, who are so important to the quality of life for the residents.
My husband and I recently made a flying trip to see both sides of the parents. His dad is very seriously ill with cancer. I have been really trying to push my dad to move in with us so I can help him take care of Mom. I realized on the many hour trip to see them that I think my motivation is to try to control the illness as much as possible. I've struggled with control issues all my adult life. Before the trip, I tried to look at his point of view and the reasons he doesn't want to move. I created a pros and cons list to still try to convince him even though I understood his reasoning, the right choice was to come live with us. After being at the house, I have decided to give up trying to convince him. He is an engineer and so he is designing all kinds of modifications to make it work at their house. As a person of faith, I have learned over the years that when I try to push my ways it doesn't work out the best and I need to trust God and turn it over to him. So like my family members at work that I try to provide emotional support in their decision to have Mom or Dad come live in assisted living, I will provide support to my Dad who wants to do it on his own.
The most surprising revelation I had on our most recent trip was my own response to my mother's decline. I knew Dad was doing all the household duties and had to give her a shower. Some times on the phone, it is deceptive. She will talk about having to put to sleep their cat of 15 years, which happened about a month ago. Yet face to face, I sat there and watched as she stroked the other cat sitting on the back of the chair while asking my Dad if they still had a cat. I found myself not making eye contact with her or looking directly at her and I was shocked by my reaction. I remember years ago when I first went to the nursing home and not understanding why families were so upset and couldn't accept their loved one the way they were now because I could. And now I am that family member. How true, how true my blog title.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Sunday, December 14, 2014
It's Really for Me Anyway
I haven't written for months. I guess because my feeling was "what does it matter". All around, both in my personal situation and at work, I see people who hang on to denial, those who suffer in silence, and mostly people who are just trying to make it through another day. I am normally a pretty optimistic person, although you would never guess that from this post. But this was a pretty rough week and I guess I just need to sort it out for myself.
I have been surprised over the last year how much I have begun to see the assisted living families as much my clients as the residents themselves. I guess because I am now a family member, I relate to just how difficult a position it is to try to find the middle ground between wanting your parents to be safe and cared for and retaining their independence. This family member caregiver stuff is not for the faint at heart.
My week started with a new resident that we have been preparing for 6 weeks to make a smooth transition from being at home with a part time sitter to assisted living. She has been coming to the assisted living for meals and activities so she could be familiar with the building and staff. So Sunday she moves in. And she makes it 1 day. I never would have predicted that her dementia was at the level that she needed a secure environment. But after stating she was going to walk home several times, we had to make an emergency transfer elsewhere. And my heart goes out to the daughter. She really was trying to do the best she could. She couldn't afford round the clock sitters, not many people can. The stark reality that mother is more advanced than just not being able to remember what she ate for lunch must really be a punch to the gut.
It has been quite eye opening to see how judgemental "professionals" can be about families. I must admit, I was once one of those judgemental professionals, the family is just concerned about mom's house and assets, they just don't want to be bothered, etc. But I had a talk with a good friend who is now seeing the mother professionally. The very same phrase from the daughter was interpreted very differently by my friend and myself. Where I see a daughter who will do anything to get her mother the care that she now needs, my friend sees a daughter who just wants to put mom out of her way.
Then later in the week I find myself with another resident who is quite appropriate for assisted living, but quite frankly madder than hell that she is there. The daughter has had more than 2 years of experience dealing not only with her father's decline with Alzheimer's disease but her mother's depression and now also signs of Alzheimer's. No one wants to come to assisted living, it is always a decision borne of necessity. The daughter knows it is necessary after some past issues. The mother is mad and determined to make the daughter pay emotionally.
Granted it is a tough time of year to have to be dealing with these issues. Everyone wants the television special Christmas. And I find myself certainly wanting to be sure the mothers have the appropriate care, yet understanding all too well the pain and difficulty of the daughters. I have no answers. But then one of the daughters gave me the perfect answer. "Sometimes you find yourself getting through day by day. Sometimes it is all you can do to get through minute by minute." My only solution is to pray. Give me the words, give me the knowledge, give me the wisdom to help these ladies have the best quality of life possible and the daughters to have the support they need for a very, very difficult situation. Sometimes all you can do it pray. Sometimes the most important thing you can do it pray.
I have been surprised over the last year how much I have begun to see the assisted living families as much my clients as the residents themselves. I guess because I am now a family member, I relate to just how difficult a position it is to try to find the middle ground between wanting your parents to be safe and cared for and retaining their independence. This family member caregiver stuff is not for the faint at heart.
My week started with a new resident that we have been preparing for 6 weeks to make a smooth transition from being at home with a part time sitter to assisted living. She has been coming to the assisted living for meals and activities so she could be familiar with the building and staff. So Sunday she moves in. And she makes it 1 day. I never would have predicted that her dementia was at the level that she needed a secure environment. But after stating she was going to walk home several times, we had to make an emergency transfer elsewhere. And my heart goes out to the daughter. She really was trying to do the best she could. She couldn't afford round the clock sitters, not many people can. The stark reality that mother is more advanced than just not being able to remember what she ate for lunch must really be a punch to the gut.
It has been quite eye opening to see how judgemental "professionals" can be about families. I must admit, I was once one of those judgemental professionals, the family is just concerned about mom's house and assets, they just don't want to be bothered, etc. But I had a talk with a good friend who is now seeing the mother professionally. The very same phrase from the daughter was interpreted very differently by my friend and myself. Where I see a daughter who will do anything to get her mother the care that she now needs, my friend sees a daughter who just wants to put mom out of her way.
Then later in the week I find myself with another resident who is quite appropriate for assisted living, but quite frankly madder than hell that she is there. The daughter has had more than 2 years of experience dealing not only with her father's decline with Alzheimer's disease but her mother's depression and now also signs of Alzheimer's. No one wants to come to assisted living, it is always a decision borne of necessity. The daughter knows it is necessary after some past issues. The mother is mad and determined to make the daughter pay emotionally.
Granted it is a tough time of year to have to be dealing with these issues. Everyone wants the television special Christmas. And I find myself certainly wanting to be sure the mothers have the appropriate care, yet understanding all too well the pain and difficulty of the daughters. I have no answers. But then one of the daughters gave me the perfect answer. "Sometimes you find yourself getting through day by day. Sometimes it is all you can do to get through minute by minute." My only solution is to pray. Give me the words, give me the knowledge, give me the wisdom to help these ladies have the best quality of life possible and the daughters to have the support they need for a very, very difficult situation. Sometimes all you can do it pray. Sometimes the most important thing you can do it pray.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Suffering in Silence
Once again I find myself dealing with the same issues with my own parents as I do with people calling the assisted living. What is it about caregivers and especially male caregivers that tells them they have failed if they ask for help.
We have an on-going struggle with my dad to try to get him to see that the children want to be of help and he doesn't need to do everything on his own. It seems to be shouting into the wind for all of his response. His theory is he should be able to do it all and he doesn't want to impose. If your family is not there to pull together to help in a situation, that what kind of family are you?
Likewise I had a call yesterday from a man I've spoken with before, but he has called in the past about his elderly mother. Yesterday he called about his sister who was diagnosed about 4 years ago with early onset Alzheimer's. Four years ago, she would have been my age. Since that time, her husband has been taking care of her. Naturally, things have gotten more difficult with her care over the years. The call yesterday was from the long distance brother who wants to get help for his sister and her husband. The prevailing wisdom is that people are always better off at home (a topic I intend to talk about in a later post). So the husband spends thousands of dollars every month with sitter service, buying meals because his wife's care is all consuming and still he finds himself on the brink of exhaustion as her care needs increase.
My phone call with the brother consisted of talking about possible respite placement for the sister not only so we could meet her care needs, but to prevent the husband from literally wearing himself out. I see the same thing with my dad and my fear for him is that he will literally kill himself trying to take care of my mom without help from the kids or others. My conversation yesterday involved a lot of discussion about how to phrase the discussion so the husband will not feel like he is failing if he gets help.
I feel like that is a big reason there is not a better turn out for the Caregiver Support Group. For some reason people feel like it is better to suffer in silence, more virtuous or something, than to accept help. As the number of people diagnosed with dementia increases, this is going to become an even more serious problem. When the caregivers exhaust themselves, then who will care for the individuals with dementia. We will end up with both husband and wife needing long term care, which a huge percentage of the population has not prepared financially. So many questions and not many answers.
On the other hand, I look back over my career and I'm amazed at my experiences and how God has prepared me just for this particular role, both personally and professionally. What is most needed in the assisted living setting is not someone who is a nurse, although the nurse is invaluable. But as the administrator, what I find myself doing more and more is counseling people. I did enjoy my 7 years working for the mental health center. At the time, I thought of it more as the job that was available at the time. But now I see how those 7 years honing my counseling skills has better prepared me to be of serious help, not only to the residents and families I serve, but to the community. Once again, I see how God really does have a plan and really does know best.
We have an on-going struggle with my dad to try to get him to see that the children want to be of help and he doesn't need to do everything on his own. It seems to be shouting into the wind for all of his response. His theory is he should be able to do it all and he doesn't want to impose. If your family is not there to pull together to help in a situation, that what kind of family are you?
Likewise I had a call yesterday from a man I've spoken with before, but he has called in the past about his elderly mother. Yesterday he called about his sister who was diagnosed about 4 years ago with early onset Alzheimer's. Four years ago, she would have been my age. Since that time, her husband has been taking care of her. Naturally, things have gotten more difficult with her care over the years. The call yesterday was from the long distance brother who wants to get help for his sister and her husband. The prevailing wisdom is that people are always better off at home (a topic I intend to talk about in a later post). So the husband spends thousands of dollars every month with sitter service, buying meals because his wife's care is all consuming and still he finds himself on the brink of exhaustion as her care needs increase.
My phone call with the brother consisted of talking about possible respite placement for the sister not only so we could meet her care needs, but to prevent the husband from literally wearing himself out. I see the same thing with my dad and my fear for him is that he will literally kill himself trying to take care of my mom without help from the kids or others. My conversation yesterday involved a lot of discussion about how to phrase the discussion so the husband will not feel like he is failing if he gets help.
I feel like that is a big reason there is not a better turn out for the Caregiver Support Group. For some reason people feel like it is better to suffer in silence, more virtuous or something, than to accept help. As the number of people diagnosed with dementia increases, this is going to become an even more serious problem. When the caregivers exhaust themselves, then who will care for the individuals with dementia. We will end up with both husband and wife needing long term care, which a huge percentage of the population has not prepared financially. So many questions and not many answers.
On the other hand, I look back over my career and I'm amazed at my experiences and how God has prepared me just for this particular role, both personally and professionally. What is most needed in the assisted living setting is not someone who is a nurse, although the nurse is invaluable. But as the administrator, what I find myself doing more and more is counseling people. I did enjoy my 7 years working for the mental health center. At the time, I thought of it more as the job that was available at the time. But now I see how those 7 years honing my counseling skills has better prepared me to be of serious help, not only to the residents and families I serve, but to the community. Once again, I see how God really does have a plan and really does know best.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Change in Focus
I have loved working with seniors since I was a volunteer at 12 years old. I have tried to work in other aspects of health care over the years, but it never feels right when I'm not working with seniors. Obviously in assisted living our focus is providing the highest quality of life possible for our residents.
When I first started at the assisted living, my philosophy about families was that we should do as much as possible because that is what they were paying us to do. I think my perspective was similar to others in health care, we were the experts, we knew what was best. Through the years I have matured to realize that families have to be included to the extent they choose. There are those families that certainly love their mother or father, but really feel under-equipped to handle the life decisions facing them now. So while we don't make decisions without talking to the family, we are fairly certain they will agree with whatever we recommend. While it may seem this makes things easier, to have that kind of responsibility is pretty stressful. We better be sure we are looking at every possible option and the consequences and letting the family know what we have found before we make any kind of recommendation. Then there are families who have their own ideas about what needs to happen regardless of what the consequences might be. And as long as the resident would not be in danger from their ideas, it becomes our role to support the values of that family and keep our own judgements out of it. I had an experience about 6 months ago which really brought home how important it is for some families to be involved in every tiny detail. It is my job to assess where the family is coming from and to involve them to the extent they choose. So the last few years, my professional growth has centered around supporting the family as well as providing care to the resident.
The last couple months, I see my focus changing again. I am finding myself doing a lot more counseling with families on how to cope with the aging of their parents and especially coping with the symptoms of dementia. I remember years ago when I worked in mental health and the requirement if you were going to work with substance abuse counseling that you had substance abuse in your own past. I thought at the time how unfair it was to prevent me from promotions just because I had not had that experience in my past. However, I can see now how my experience with my own mother makes a huge difference in how I relate to families at assisted living. Not only when families are looking at coming to assisted living, but I get a lot of phone calls just trying to find resources. I am certainly not thrilled to be facing my own mother's dementia, yet I can see that my own experience makes me much more empathetic when talking to families.
I had a new resident to move in this week. She has come to assisted living after a psychiatric placement. She had been experiencing more and more short term memory loss and it led to paranoid ideation. I know there is this perception out there that kids just want to "put their parents" in assisted living or the nursing home to be rid of the responsibility. But that is not the reality that I see in my day to day work. What I face are children who are very concerned about their parents, really want them to be happy, yet also safe and who are overwhelmed by the changes they see when there is a diagnosis of dementia or the symptoms of dementia. I feel when I can say to a family, "my mother had dementia and I have experienced many of these same things," there is a kind of relief with the children, they know I am not judging them or being patronizing, but that I can really relate and we can work together to provide the best quality of life possible for their parents.
I made kind of a flip remark to one of my employees the other day that "God really does know what He is doing", and I am finding that to be true in this situation. I look back on my attitudes and approach when I was a young activity staff person in the nursing home. I loved the residents and did my best to make their lives the best I could. But I did not have the kind of approach to help families. To be truly helpful to families, it does really take knowing their experience from the inside. And I really know that God does know what he is doing.
When I first started at the assisted living, my philosophy about families was that we should do as much as possible because that is what they were paying us to do. I think my perspective was similar to others in health care, we were the experts, we knew what was best. Through the years I have matured to realize that families have to be included to the extent they choose. There are those families that certainly love their mother or father, but really feel under-equipped to handle the life decisions facing them now. So while we don't make decisions without talking to the family, we are fairly certain they will agree with whatever we recommend. While it may seem this makes things easier, to have that kind of responsibility is pretty stressful. We better be sure we are looking at every possible option and the consequences and letting the family know what we have found before we make any kind of recommendation. Then there are families who have their own ideas about what needs to happen regardless of what the consequences might be. And as long as the resident would not be in danger from their ideas, it becomes our role to support the values of that family and keep our own judgements out of it. I had an experience about 6 months ago which really brought home how important it is for some families to be involved in every tiny detail. It is my job to assess where the family is coming from and to involve them to the extent they choose. So the last few years, my professional growth has centered around supporting the family as well as providing care to the resident.
The last couple months, I see my focus changing again. I am finding myself doing a lot more counseling with families on how to cope with the aging of their parents and especially coping with the symptoms of dementia. I remember years ago when I worked in mental health and the requirement if you were going to work with substance abuse counseling that you had substance abuse in your own past. I thought at the time how unfair it was to prevent me from promotions just because I had not had that experience in my past. However, I can see now how my experience with my own mother makes a huge difference in how I relate to families at assisted living. Not only when families are looking at coming to assisted living, but I get a lot of phone calls just trying to find resources. I am certainly not thrilled to be facing my own mother's dementia, yet I can see that my own experience makes me much more empathetic when talking to families.
I had a new resident to move in this week. She has come to assisted living after a psychiatric placement. She had been experiencing more and more short term memory loss and it led to paranoid ideation. I know there is this perception out there that kids just want to "put their parents" in assisted living or the nursing home to be rid of the responsibility. But that is not the reality that I see in my day to day work. What I face are children who are very concerned about their parents, really want them to be happy, yet also safe and who are overwhelmed by the changes they see when there is a diagnosis of dementia or the symptoms of dementia. I feel when I can say to a family, "my mother had dementia and I have experienced many of these same things," there is a kind of relief with the children, they know I am not judging them or being patronizing, but that I can really relate and we can work together to provide the best quality of life possible for their parents.
I made kind of a flip remark to one of my employees the other day that "God really does know what He is doing", and I am finding that to be true in this situation. I look back on my attitudes and approach when I was a young activity staff person in the nursing home. I loved the residents and did my best to make their lives the best I could. But I did not have the kind of approach to help families. To be truly helpful to families, it does really take knowing their experience from the inside. And I really know that God does know what he is doing.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Last Real Vacation
So I suggested to my dad several months ago that we plan a vacation to where Mom grew up while she was still able to remember landmarks. So he arranged for us to stay at their time share condo in the area. Both of my brothers and even my oldest son were able to make it for at least a couple days. I was pretty shocked at the decline I could see in person as opposed to what you get when talking on the phone. Mom has always had really poor vision. She kept saying the reason she was having trouble was because of her vision, but it was pretty clear it was cognitive loss. She was not able to find the light switch to the bathroom. Trained well, my brothers kept turning it off. Dad needs to help her with pretty much all of her ADL's, bathing, dressing, grooming and of course he has been doing the cooking for over a year. Since we were in a new place, it wasn't surprising that she would get lost and not be able to find the right bedroom. But in talking with my husband, Dad said she gets lost in their house now too. Unlike many people, they have not lived their whole married life in this house. But still, they have lived there over 15 years now.
Several things were revealed to me through this vacation that I could only learn through direct experience and I hope will help me in my relationships with assisted living families. First, no matter how bad the situation, it is extremely difficult to convince your parents of the need for help. Not only do they not recognize the losses that have come about, but you still retain your position as child in the relationship. I can so much better appreciate how families put off the decision to move to assisted living until there is a crisis. It doesn't matter how logical or rational your reasons, your parents either don't see it or accept it. And as the child wanting to continue to earn your parent's love and save the relationship, you can't force the issue either.
Secondly, I watched how as a caregiver my dad doesn't have time to process and deal with any feelings of loss and grief he may have. His time is consumed with the practical matters of Mom's day to day care, which becomes more and more involved over time. It doesn't appear to be denial. I think it is just that there is neither any emotional or physical energy left to deal with or even acknowledge your own feelings as the caregiver. That realization certainly helped me to write a better press release for the next Caregiver Support Group meeting. I had a recent inquiry at the assisted living. A woman whose husband has dementia. He has recently had to go to the nursing home because he just became too much for her to handle. She became extremely depressed and the family felt being around other people would be beneficial for her. It is understandable how you would become depressed. All those years of direct care and not being able to deal with your feelings and then suddenly having them all exposed at one time. It is no wonder she became depressed.
The third and most unexpected realization was my own response. At one point I realized that I had begun to refer to my mom as "her" and "she". It was startling the first time I caught myself. And so the mental health experience in my background came out and I tried to figure out why. The only thing I have come up with is that I recognize this is no longer really my mother. This is not the personality or the person who raised me and who I grew up with. So the "she" refers to this new person I am now dealing with. And I imagine there is some of the pushing away of the feelings of loss on my part as well as I try to negotiate myself and help my dad negotiate the practical tasks related to caregiving.
All in all I believe it was a successful vacation. Mom did remember several of the places we stopped. We got to meet some cousins she had not met before. We were all able to be together, which happens only every few years. I think we all, including Dad, are more aware of just where she is at functionally. And I hope the experience will help me as I work with assisted living families. I still believe God has called me to work with seniors and their families and I can see how this experience will help me to be much more empathic in my work.
Several things were revealed to me through this vacation that I could only learn through direct experience and I hope will help me in my relationships with assisted living families. First, no matter how bad the situation, it is extremely difficult to convince your parents of the need for help. Not only do they not recognize the losses that have come about, but you still retain your position as child in the relationship. I can so much better appreciate how families put off the decision to move to assisted living until there is a crisis. It doesn't matter how logical or rational your reasons, your parents either don't see it or accept it. And as the child wanting to continue to earn your parent's love and save the relationship, you can't force the issue either.
Secondly, I watched how as a caregiver my dad doesn't have time to process and deal with any feelings of loss and grief he may have. His time is consumed with the practical matters of Mom's day to day care, which becomes more and more involved over time. It doesn't appear to be denial. I think it is just that there is neither any emotional or physical energy left to deal with or even acknowledge your own feelings as the caregiver. That realization certainly helped me to write a better press release for the next Caregiver Support Group meeting. I had a recent inquiry at the assisted living. A woman whose husband has dementia. He has recently had to go to the nursing home because he just became too much for her to handle. She became extremely depressed and the family felt being around other people would be beneficial for her. It is understandable how you would become depressed. All those years of direct care and not being able to deal with your feelings and then suddenly having them all exposed at one time. It is no wonder she became depressed.
The third and most unexpected realization was my own response. At one point I realized that I had begun to refer to my mom as "her" and "she". It was startling the first time I caught myself. And so the mental health experience in my background came out and I tried to figure out why. The only thing I have come up with is that I recognize this is no longer really my mother. This is not the personality or the person who raised me and who I grew up with. So the "she" refers to this new person I am now dealing with. And I imagine there is some of the pushing away of the feelings of loss on my part as well as I try to negotiate myself and help my dad negotiate the practical tasks related to caregiving.
All in all I believe it was a successful vacation. Mom did remember several of the places we stopped. We got to meet some cousins she had not met before. We were all able to be together, which happens only every few years. I think we all, including Dad, are more aware of just where she is at functionally. And I hope the experience will help me as I work with assisted living families. I still believe God has called me to work with seniors and their families and I can see how this experience will help me to be much more empathic in my work.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Yoga Mantra- Letting Go of Expectations
So I had this great plan I passed on to my brothers. Instead of listening over and over again to the 3 main themes; "I go to sit and stretch twice a week, the doctor told me not to drive but I still have my license, and I was good at and enjoyed my job, I had suggested we try to refocus Mom and get her to tell us stories of her younger days and childhood that we could preserve for the future. You know, make that time more productive. So last weekend, I had the questions suggested by a Family History book laid out in front of me while we talked. I tried several times to ask questions, but found that Mom was not to be side tracked to topics that I thought were a more productive use of our time.
Not to be dissuaded because of course I need to find something constructive out of this experience, I am faced with the truth that these topics are what are important to Mom right now. No matter how unimportant I find them and think we need to make better use of the time, to her this must be an important use of her time. I've said before how so many things in my life interconnect. I have discovered how much I love yoga. Of course physically it gives me a good work out, but more importantly, I've discovered how the philosophy is great for de-stressing. One of our yoga teachers repeats several times in class; letting go of competition, letting go of expectation, living in the moment. In this situation, I'm realizing I have to let go of expectation. What seems to be a good use of time and significant to me, is not for Mom. And in my quest to always be productive, I may have to resort to doing something mindless at the same time as I'm listening, like scan old pictures. For the 1 hour I'm talking to Mom every week, I have to let go of that time and let it be about what she needs. For the goal driven, productivity junky that I am, this will be a major change. But then maybe that is why I get so stressed out anyway. I can't change the part of me that wants to learn something from every situation, at least not yet.
So this week and as long as we can, the conversation will be about what you want Mom, regardless of whether I can make it productive or not. Letting go of expectation.....
Not to be dissuaded because of course I need to find something constructive out of this experience, I am faced with the truth that these topics are what are important to Mom right now. No matter how unimportant I find them and think we need to make better use of the time, to her this must be an important use of her time. I've said before how so many things in my life interconnect. I have discovered how much I love yoga. Of course physically it gives me a good work out, but more importantly, I've discovered how the philosophy is great for de-stressing. One of our yoga teachers repeats several times in class; letting go of competition, letting go of expectation, living in the moment. In this situation, I'm realizing I have to let go of expectation. What seems to be a good use of time and significant to me, is not for Mom. And in my quest to always be productive, I may have to resort to doing something mindless at the same time as I'm listening, like scan old pictures. For the 1 hour I'm talking to Mom every week, I have to let go of that time and let it be about what she needs. For the goal driven, productivity junky that I am, this will be a major change. But then maybe that is why I get so stressed out anyway. I can't change the part of me that wants to learn something from every situation, at least not yet.
So this week and as long as we can, the conversation will be about what you want Mom, regardless of whether I can make it productive or not. Letting go of expectation.....
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Stress of Leadership
I think the loss of resident recently plus personal stress is getting to me. I feel exhausted. Yet I know as the leader, I need to set the example for how to keep going, keep working to make our residents have the best quality of life possible. On the other hand, I can also empathize with the stress of balancing work and family. I doesn't matter that the majority of my workers are just above minimum wage employees. When you are a working woman, you have to balance your work and your home life. Will I be a better boss if I can empathize? I don't really know.
I have not yet filled the beds vacated by our recent losses. So on top of the feelings of loss associated with the residents and their families, we become close to the families when they are very involved, there is the stress to fill the beds. Our owners are really wonderful people who have many years in long term care and know that there is an ebb and flow to the census. So the pressure is mostly self inflicted. Although my boss is pretty focused on filling beds. After all, isn't that how we measure success in our lives? No wonder you see depression along with dementia so often. As a society, we do equate value of people based on what they are able to do, to perform.
My call with my parents last week echoed this theme. I could hear the sadness and frustration in my Mom's voice. She is frustrated because she can't do the things she used to do. In the past, most of her self concept was based on her "career". And it doesn't help that neither she nor my Dad have really ever been sick. She doesn't really understand what is going on. She keeps referring to the stroke. And the terms she uses doesn't really change anything. Her brain has changed. She seems to be getting to where she is realizing she is not going to get better. So on top of what is going on at work, I feel it is my responsibility to try to help my Mom reframe her situation and try to find the silver lining. Oh yeah, and both of my children are moving out of state to pursue their dreams. I'm proud of them, yet we have never before not had at least one of them in town with us.
My Bible study recently has been on the book of Ecclesiastes. It seems to be very much in line with my current mood. Vanity, vanity, all is vanity, a meaningless chasing after the wind. At least in the big picture I know how the book ends. There is a time for everything. My mission now, is to sift through and figure out how to interpret this time in my life.
I have not yet filled the beds vacated by our recent losses. So on top of the feelings of loss associated with the residents and their families, we become close to the families when they are very involved, there is the stress to fill the beds. Our owners are really wonderful people who have many years in long term care and know that there is an ebb and flow to the census. So the pressure is mostly self inflicted. Although my boss is pretty focused on filling beds. After all, isn't that how we measure success in our lives? No wonder you see depression along with dementia so often. As a society, we do equate value of people based on what they are able to do, to perform.
My call with my parents last week echoed this theme. I could hear the sadness and frustration in my Mom's voice. She is frustrated because she can't do the things she used to do. In the past, most of her self concept was based on her "career". And it doesn't help that neither she nor my Dad have really ever been sick. She doesn't really understand what is going on. She keeps referring to the stroke. And the terms she uses doesn't really change anything. Her brain has changed. She seems to be getting to where she is realizing she is not going to get better. So on top of what is going on at work, I feel it is my responsibility to try to help my Mom reframe her situation and try to find the silver lining. Oh yeah, and both of my children are moving out of state to pursue their dreams. I'm proud of them, yet we have never before not had at least one of them in town with us.
My Bible study recently has been on the book of Ecclesiastes. It seems to be very much in line with my current mood. Vanity, vanity, all is vanity, a meaningless chasing after the wind. At least in the big picture I know how the book ends. There is a time for everything. My mission now, is to sift through and figure out how to interpret this time in my life.
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