Something has happened to upset the apple cart. When I get a call on my cell phone during the work week, I know something has happened. I no longer try to figure out what has happened. It doesn't really matter. I'm guessing Dad became impatient. I'm certainly not going to judge. That is one thing I tell families looking at assisted living all the time. Our staff can have loads of patience because they go home at the end of 8 hours and recharge and destress. Unlike the caregiver at home who is on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week. So I have to try to figure out what is the emotion that Mom is feeling. How do I support her without taking sides and still support Dad who has a really tough job.
This week the statement was, "I'm not an imbecile". So my guess is Dad has had to be directive with her about something, telling her what to do. And of course we rehash "the stroke" and in the book I sent her, "My stroke of Insight", the writer returned to her previous profession as a doctor. So of course Mom reasons, she will get everything back, she will be allowed to drive again and this is all temporary. Then she goes off on a tangent about her job. (We used to call it the 7 degrees of Lockhead, when the 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon was popular. No matter what topic you brought up- elk hunting in Norway- she could make anything relate to her job at Lockheed).
Now I will admit, I had less patience this week myself. I was trying to get everything done at work so I could leave early and we could go camping for the weekend. So I probably rushed through. In fact I remember cutting her off a couple time. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. I think her main thought was, she is not stupid after all she had a really good job, but I think she felt like Dad was treating her like she was not smart and had to tell her what to do. My thought process was, she is not going to get better. Dad will have to tell her what to do because her memory is failing. How do I get her to be ok with Dad telling her what to do without her feeling bad about herself. So I told her that the longer after the actual stroke, the slower (as in turtle pace) the recover, if any, would be. That the deficits she has now don't make her less of a person, but she may have to accept them and learn to live with them and be happy with the way life is now.
On the way to our camping trip, I'm telling my husband about the call. So he makes an off hand comment, about not wanting to lose hope. That gets me started worrying that I have done the wrong thing. That I should not be telling her things won't get better and taking away her hope, possibly causing her to become depressed. What is the right thing to do anyway? I am just thankful I am now doing yoga. At least when I am concentrating on the present while I'm doing yoga, I'm not worrying about whether I'm doing the right thing or not. Again, it give me better perspective for the Caregiver Support Group and the assisted living families. There is no right or wrong. In every situation, you just muddle through the best you can. Are my only choices hope- you will recover, it will all be like it used to be knowing this is a disease of progressive decline. Or risking hurting her feelings or causing depression by putting reality out there. Once again, my best hope is to pray for guidance. This disease is not for the faint hearted.
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