Open to Surprises

No matter how much experience I have and how much I learn, I am always amazed at what new things you can learn if only you are open to doing so.  During last week's phone conversation with Mom, I learned an interesting tidbit about my grandmother that I had never heard before.  Grandma and Grandpa had to move to be closer to my parents after Grandpa had his stroke.  Grandma wasn't able to handle everything on her own and my parents lived 8 hours away, too far to really be of help.  It was probably 5 years later that we realized Grandma had what was diagnosed then as vascular dementia.  Looking back now with hindsight, I should have seen the signs that at the time of Grandpa's stroke there were warning signs.  When she referred to stop lights as "electric stop and go's", my husband and I thought it was funny.  It was a actually a sign of things to come.

Grandpa went to a nursing home near Mom and Dad, but for a short while, Grandma lived in the house with them and my two brothers who were still at home going to college.  I was already married and out of the house, half the continent away.  It was pretty rough on my brothers.  My grandmother was pretty demanding and I understand got pretty ugly with them at times.  That was very unusual for a woman who attempted at all times to present the image of decorum in her younger days.

In my conversation with my own mother, she talked about how at one point my grandmother told her that she and my dad were at risk of not paying enough attention to my brothers.  I would have to agree.  My parents had their own business and it pretty much consumed their lives during both my and my brothers teenage years, pretty impressionable times.  It was an insight that surprised me and I was surprised my mother shared it with me actually.  My grandmother saw what was going on and tried to help my brothers back when she was still herself and untouched by the dementia.

I was hoping to show my brothers how the behavior that had been so difficult for them was symptoms of the dementia and that she really did care about them when she was still herself.  Imagine my surprise when one of my brothers responded still quite angry about what had happened.  It reminded me of my advice to my staff with our residents.  We never know what has happened in the past with our residents and their families and we can't make judgments.  We see the person as they are at the moment.  We don't have any of that past information.  I hope in time my brother will be able to heal and  see the behavior was the disease, not the person.  In the meantime, I hope to be able to hang on to these new revelations about people I thought I knew.  There is always something to learn if you are open to it.