I haven't written for months. I guess because my feeling was "what does it matter". All around, both in my personal situation and at work, I see people who hang on to denial, those who suffer in silence, and mostly people who are just trying to make it through another day. I am normally a pretty optimistic person, although you would never guess that from this post. But this was a pretty rough week and I guess I just need to sort it out for myself.
I have been surprised over the last year how much I have begun to see the assisted living families as much my clients as the residents themselves. I guess because I am now a family member, I relate to just how difficult a position it is to try to find the middle ground between wanting your parents to be safe and cared for and retaining their independence. This family member caregiver stuff is not for the faint at heart.
My week started with a new resident that we have been preparing for 6 weeks to make a smooth transition from being at home with a part time sitter to assisted living. She has been coming to the assisted living for meals and activities so she could be familiar with the building and staff. So Sunday she moves in. And she makes it 1 day. I never would have predicted that her dementia was at the level that she needed a secure environment. But after stating she was going to walk home several times, we had to make an emergency transfer elsewhere. And my heart goes out to the daughter. She really was trying to do the best she could. She couldn't afford round the clock sitters, not many people can. The stark reality that mother is more advanced than just not being able to remember what she ate for lunch must really be a punch to the gut.
It has been quite eye opening to see how judgemental "professionals" can be about families. I must admit, I was once one of those judgemental professionals, the family is just concerned about mom's house and assets, they just don't want to be bothered, etc. But I had a talk with a good friend who is now seeing the mother professionally. The very same phrase from the daughter was interpreted very differently by my friend and myself. Where I see a daughter who will do anything to get her mother the care that she now needs, my friend sees a daughter who just wants to put mom out of her way.
Then later in the week I find myself with another resident who is quite appropriate for assisted living, but quite frankly madder than hell that she is there. The daughter has had more than 2 years of experience dealing not only with her father's decline with Alzheimer's disease but her mother's depression and now also signs of Alzheimer's. No one wants to come to assisted living, it is always a decision borne of necessity. The daughter knows it is necessary after some past issues. The mother is mad and determined to make the daughter pay emotionally.
Granted it is a tough time of year to have to be dealing with these issues. Everyone wants the television special Christmas. And I find myself certainly wanting to be sure the mothers have the appropriate care, yet understanding all too well the pain and difficulty of the daughters. I have no answers. But then one of the daughters gave me the perfect answer. "Sometimes you find yourself getting through day by day. Sometimes it is all you can do to get through minute by minute." My only solution is to pray. Give me the words, give me the knowledge, give me the wisdom to help these ladies have the best quality of life possible and the daughters to have the support they need for a very, very difficult situation. Sometimes all you can do it pray. Sometimes the most important thing you can do it pray.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Suffering in Silence
Once again I find myself dealing with the same issues with my own parents as I do with people calling the assisted living. What is it about caregivers and especially male caregivers that tells them they have failed if they ask for help.
We have an on-going struggle with my dad to try to get him to see that the children want to be of help and he doesn't need to do everything on his own. It seems to be shouting into the wind for all of his response. His theory is he should be able to do it all and he doesn't want to impose. If your family is not there to pull together to help in a situation, that what kind of family are you?
Likewise I had a call yesterday from a man I've spoken with before, but he has called in the past about his elderly mother. Yesterday he called about his sister who was diagnosed about 4 years ago with early onset Alzheimer's. Four years ago, she would have been my age. Since that time, her husband has been taking care of her. Naturally, things have gotten more difficult with her care over the years. The call yesterday was from the long distance brother who wants to get help for his sister and her husband. The prevailing wisdom is that people are always better off at home (a topic I intend to talk about in a later post). So the husband spends thousands of dollars every month with sitter service, buying meals because his wife's care is all consuming and still he finds himself on the brink of exhaustion as her care needs increase.
My phone call with the brother consisted of talking about possible respite placement for the sister not only so we could meet her care needs, but to prevent the husband from literally wearing himself out. I see the same thing with my dad and my fear for him is that he will literally kill himself trying to take care of my mom without help from the kids or others. My conversation yesterday involved a lot of discussion about how to phrase the discussion so the husband will not feel like he is failing if he gets help.
I feel like that is a big reason there is not a better turn out for the Caregiver Support Group. For some reason people feel like it is better to suffer in silence, more virtuous or something, than to accept help. As the number of people diagnosed with dementia increases, this is going to become an even more serious problem. When the caregivers exhaust themselves, then who will care for the individuals with dementia. We will end up with both husband and wife needing long term care, which a huge percentage of the population has not prepared financially. So many questions and not many answers.
On the other hand, I look back over my career and I'm amazed at my experiences and how God has prepared me just for this particular role, both personally and professionally. What is most needed in the assisted living setting is not someone who is a nurse, although the nurse is invaluable. But as the administrator, what I find myself doing more and more is counseling people. I did enjoy my 7 years working for the mental health center. At the time, I thought of it more as the job that was available at the time. But now I see how those 7 years honing my counseling skills has better prepared me to be of serious help, not only to the residents and families I serve, but to the community. Once again, I see how God really does have a plan and really does know best.
We have an on-going struggle with my dad to try to get him to see that the children want to be of help and he doesn't need to do everything on his own. It seems to be shouting into the wind for all of his response. His theory is he should be able to do it all and he doesn't want to impose. If your family is not there to pull together to help in a situation, that what kind of family are you?
Likewise I had a call yesterday from a man I've spoken with before, but he has called in the past about his elderly mother. Yesterday he called about his sister who was diagnosed about 4 years ago with early onset Alzheimer's. Four years ago, she would have been my age. Since that time, her husband has been taking care of her. Naturally, things have gotten more difficult with her care over the years. The call yesterday was from the long distance brother who wants to get help for his sister and her husband. The prevailing wisdom is that people are always better off at home (a topic I intend to talk about in a later post). So the husband spends thousands of dollars every month with sitter service, buying meals because his wife's care is all consuming and still he finds himself on the brink of exhaustion as her care needs increase.
My phone call with the brother consisted of talking about possible respite placement for the sister not only so we could meet her care needs, but to prevent the husband from literally wearing himself out. I see the same thing with my dad and my fear for him is that he will literally kill himself trying to take care of my mom without help from the kids or others. My conversation yesterday involved a lot of discussion about how to phrase the discussion so the husband will not feel like he is failing if he gets help.
I feel like that is a big reason there is not a better turn out for the Caregiver Support Group. For some reason people feel like it is better to suffer in silence, more virtuous or something, than to accept help. As the number of people diagnosed with dementia increases, this is going to become an even more serious problem. When the caregivers exhaust themselves, then who will care for the individuals with dementia. We will end up with both husband and wife needing long term care, which a huge percentage of the population has not prepared financially. So many questions and not many answers.
On the other hand, I look back over my career and I'm amazed at my experiences and how God has prepared me just for this particular role, both personally and professionally. What is most needed in the assisted living setting is not someone who is a nurse, although the nurse is invaluable. But as the administrator, what I find myself doing more and more is counseling people. I did enjoy my 7 years working for the mental health center. At the time, I thought of it more as the job that was available at the time. But now I see how those 7 years honing my counseling skills has better prepared me to be of serious help, not only to the residents and families I serve, but to the community. Once again, I see how God really does have a plan and really does know best.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Change in Focus
I have loved working with seniors since I was a volunteer at 12 years old. I have tried to work in other aspects of health care over the years, but it never feels right when I'm not working with seniors. Obviously in assisted living our focus is providing the highest quality of life possible for our residents.
When I first started at the assisted living, my philosophy about families was that we should do as much as possible because that is what they were paying us to do. I think my perspective was similar to others in health care, we were the experts, we knew what was best. Through the years I have matured to realize that families have to be included to the extent they choose. There are those families that certainly love their mother or father, but really feel under-equipped to handle the life decisions facing them now. So while we don't make decisions without talking to the family, we are fairly certain they will agree with whatever we recommend. While it may seem this makes things easier, to have that kind of responsibility is pretty stressful. We better be sure we are looking at every possible option and the consequences and letting the family know what we have found before we make any kind of recommendation. Then there are families who have their own ideas about what needs to happen regardless of what the consequences might be. And as long as the resident would not be in danger from their ideas, it becomes our role to support the values of that family and keep our own judgements out of it. I had an experience about 6 months ago which really brought home how important it is for some families to be involved in every tiny detail. It is my job to assess where the family is coming from and to involve them to the extent they choose. So the last few years, my professional growth has centered around supporting the family as well as providing care to the resident.
The last couple months, I see my focus changing again. I am finding myself doing a lot more counseling with families on how to cope with the aging of their parents and especially coping with the symptoms of dementia. I remember years ago when I worked in mental health and the requirement if you were going to work with substance abuse counseling that you had substance abuse in your own past. I thought at the time how unfair it was to prevent me from promotions just because I had not had that experience in my past. However, I can see now how my experience with my own mother makes a huge difference in how I relate to families at assisted living. Not only when families are looking at coming to assisted living, but I get a lot of phone calls just trying to find resources. I am certainly not thrilled to be facing my own mother's dementia, yet I can see that my own experience makes me much more empathetic when talking to families.
I had a new resident to move in this week. She has come to assisted living after a psychiatric placement. She had been experiencing more and more short term memory loss and it led to paranoid ideation. I know there is this perception out there that kids just want to "put their parents" in assisted living or the nursing home to be rid of the responsibility. But that is not the reality that I see in my day to day work. What I face are children who are very concerned about their parents, really want them to be happy, yet also safe and who are overwhelmed by the changes they see when there is a diagnosis of dementia or the symptoms of dementia. I feel when I can say to a family, "my mother had dementia and I have experienced many of these same things," there is a kind of relief with the children, they know I am not judging them or being patronizing, but that I can really relate and we can work together to provide the best quality of life possible for their parents.
I made kind of a flip remark to one of my employees the other day that "God really does know what He is doing", and I am finding that to be true in this situation. I look back on my attitudes and approach when I was a young activity staff person in the nursing home. I loved the residents and did my best to make their lives the best I could. But I did not have the kind of approach to help families. To be truly helpful to families, it does really take knowing their experience from the inside. And I really know that God does know what he is doing.
When I first started at the assisted living, my philosophy about families was that we should do as much as possible because that is what they were paying us to do. I think my perspective was similar to others in health care, we were the experts, we knew what was best. Through the years I have matured to realize that families have to be included to the extent they choose. There are those families that certainly love their mother or father, but really feel under-equipped to handle the life decisions facing them now. So while we don't make decisions without talking to the family, we are fairly certain they will agree with whatever we recommend. While it may seem this makes things easier, to have that kind of responsibility is pretty stressful. We better be sure we are looking at every possible option and the consequences and letting the family know what we have found before we make any kind of recommendation. Then there are families who have their own ideas about what needs to happen regardless of what the consequences might be. And as long as the resident would not be in danger from their ideas, it becomes our role to support the values of that family and keep our own judgements out of it. I had an experience about 6 months ago which really brought home how important it is for some families to be involved in every tiny detail. It is my job to assess where the family is coming from and to involve them to the extent they choose. So the last few years, my professional growth has centered around supporting the family as well as providing care to the resident.
The last couple months, I see my focus changing again. I am finding myself doing a lot more counseling with families on how to cope with the aging of their parents and especially coping with the symptoms of dementia. I remember years ago when I worked in mental health and the requirement if you were going to work with substance abuse counseling that you had substance abuse in your own past. I thought at the time how unfair it was to prevent me from promotions just because I had not had that experience in my past. However, I can see now how my experience with my own mother makes a huge difference in how I relate to families at assisted living. Not only when families are looking at coming to assisted living, but I get a lot of phone calls just trying to find resources. I am certainly not thrilled to be facing my own mother's dementia, yet I can see that my own experience makes me much more empathetic when talking to families.
I had a new resident to move in this week. She has come to assisted living after a psychiatric placement. She had been experiencing more and more short term memory loss and it led to paranoid ideation. I know there is this perception out there that kids just want to "put their parents" in assisted living or the nursing home to be rid of the responsibility. But that is not the reality that I see in my day to day work. What I face are children who are very concerned about their parents, really want them to be happy, yet also safe and who are overwhelmed by the changes they see when there is a diagnosis of dementia or the symptoms of dementia. I feel when I can say to a family, "my mother had dementia and I have experienced many of these same things," there is a kind of relief with the children, they know I am not judging them or being patronizing, but that I can really relate and we can work together to provide the best quality of life possible for their parents.
I made kind of a flip remark to one of my employees the other day that "God really does know what He is doing", and I am finding that to be true in this situation. I look back on my attitudes and approach when I was a young activity staff person in the nursing home. I loved the residents and did my best to make their lives the best I could. But I did not have the kind of approach to help families. To be truly helpful to families, it does really take knowing their experience from the inside. And I really know that God does know what he is doing.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Last Real Vacation
So I suggested to my dad several months ago that we plan a vacation to where Mom grew up while she was still able to remember landmarks. So he arranged for us to stay at their time share condo in the area. Both of my brothers and even my oldest son were able to make it for at least a couple days. I was pretty shocked at the decline I could see in person as opposed to what you get when talking on the phone. Mom has always had really poor vision. She kept saying the reason she was having trouble was because of her vision, but it was pretty clear it was cognitive loss. She was not able to find the light switch to the bathroom. Trained well, my brothers kept turning it off. Dad needs to help her with pretty much all of her ADL's, bathing, dressing, grooming and of course he has been doing the cooking for over a year. Since we were in a new place, it wasn't surprising that she would get lost and not be able to find the right bedroom. But in talking with my husband, Dad said she gets lost in their house now too. Unlike many people, they have not lived their whole married life in this house. But still, they have lived there over 15 years now.
Several things were revealed to me through this vacation that I could only learn through direct experience and I hope will help me in my relationships with assisted living families. First, no matter how bad the situation, it is extremely difficult to convince your parents of the need for help. Not only do they not recognize the losses that have come about, but you still retain your position as child in the relationship. I can so much better appreciate how families put off the decision to move to assisted living until there is a crisis. It doesn't matter how logical or rational your reasons, your parents either don't see it or accept it. And as the child wanting to continue to earn your parent's love and save the relationship, you can't force the issue either.
Secondly, I watched how as a caregiver my dad doesn't have time to process and deal with any feelings of loss and grief he may have. His time is consumed with the practical matters of Mom's day to day care, which becomes more and more involved over time. It doesn't appear to be denial. I think it is just that there is neither any emotional or physical energy left to deal with or even acknowledge your own feelings as the caregiver. That realization certainly helped me to write a better press release for the next Caregiver Support Group meeting. I had a recent inquiry at the assisted living. A woman whose husband has dementia. He has recently had to go to the nursing home because he just became too much for her to handle. She became extremely depressed and the family felt being around other people would be beneficial for her. It is understandable how you would become depressed. All those years of direct care and not being able to deal with your feelings and then suddenly having them all exposed at one time. It is no wonder she became depressed.
The third and most unexpected realization was my own response. At one point I realized that I had begun to refer to my mom as "her" and "she". It was startling the first time I caught myself. And so the mental health experience in my background came out and I tried to figure out why. The only thing I have come up with is that I recognize this is no longer really my mother. This is not the personality or the person who raised me and who I grew up with. So the "she" refers to this new person I am now dealing with. And I imagine there is some of the pushing away of the feelings of loss on my part as well as I try to negotiate myself and help my dad negotiate the practical tasks related to caregiving.
All in all I believe it was a successful vacation. Mom did remember several of the places we stopped. We got to meet some cousins she had not met before. We were all able to be together, which happens only every few years. I think we all, including Dad, are more aware of just where she is at functionally. And I hope the experience will help me as I work with assisted living families. I still believe God has called me to work with seniors and their families and I can see how this experience will help me to be much more empathic in my work.
Several things were revealed to me through this vacation that I could only learn through direct experience and I hope will help me in my relationships with assisted living families. First, no matter how bad the situation, it is extremely difficult to convince your parents of the need for help. Not only do they not recognize the losses that have come about, but you still retain your position as child in the relationship. I can so much better appreciate how families put off the decision to move to assisted living until there is a crisis. It doesn't matter how logical or rational your reasons, your parents either don't see it or accept it. And as the child wanting to continue to earn your parent's love and save the relationship, you can't force the issue either.
Secondly, I watched how as a caregiver my dad doesn't have time to process and deal with any feelings of loss and grief he may have. His time is consumed with the practical matters of Mom's day to day care, which becomes more and more involved over time. It doesn't appear to be denial. I think it is just that there is neither any emotional or physical energy left to deal with or even acknowledge your own feelings as the caregiver. That realization certainly helped me to write a better press release for the next Caregiver Support Group meeting. I had a recent inquiry at the assisted living. A woman whose husband has dementia. He has recently had to go to the nursing home because he just became too much for her to handle. She became extremely depressed and the family felt being around other people would be beneficial for her. It is understandable how you would become depressed. All those years of direct care and not being able to deal with your feelings and then suddenly having them all exposed at one time. It is no wonder she became depressed.
The third and most unexpected realization was my own response. At one point I realized that I had begun to refer to my mom as "her" and "she". It was startling the first time I caught myself. And so the mental health experience in my background came out and I tried to figure out why. The only thing I have come up with is that I recognize this is no longer really my mother. This is not the personality or the person who raised me and who I grew up with. So the "she" refers to this new person I am now dealing with. And I imagine there is some of the pushing away of the feelings of loss on my part as well as I try to negotiate myself and help my dad negotiate the practical tasks related to caregiving.
All in all I believe it was a successful vacation. Mom did remember several of the places we stopped. We got to meet some cousins she had not met before. We were all able to be together, which happens only every few years. I think we all, including Dad, are more aware of just where she is at functionally. And I hope the experience will help me as I work with assisted living families. I still believe God has called me to work with seniors and their families and I can see how this experience will help me to be much more empathic in my work.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Yoga Mantra- Letting Go of Expectations
So I had this great plan I passed on to my brothers. Instead of listening over and over again to the 3 main themes; "I go to sit and stretch twice a week, the doctor told me not to drive but I still have my license, and I was good at and enjoyed my job, I had suggested we try to refocus Mom and get her to tell us stories of her younger days and childhood that we could preserve for the future. You know, make that time more productive. So last weekend, I had the questions suggested by a Family History book laid out in front of me while we talked. I tried several times to ask questions, but found that Mom was not to be side tracked to topics that I thought were a more productive use of our time.
Not to be dissuaded because of course I need to find something constructive out of this experience, I am faced with the truth that these topics are what are important to Mom right now. No matter how unimportant I find them and think we need to make better use of the time, to her this must be an important use of her time. I've said before how so many things in my life interconnect. I have discovered how much I love yoga. Of course physically it gives me a good work out, but more importantly, I've discovered how the philosophy is great for de-stressing. One of our yoga teachers repeats several times in class; letting go of competition, letting go of expectation, living in the moment. In this situation, I'm realizing I have to let go of expectation. What seems to be a good use of time and significant to me, is not for Mom. And in my quest to always be productive, I may have to resort to doing something mindless at the same time as I'm listening, like scan old pictures. For the 1 hour I'm talking to Mom every week, I have to let go of that time and let it be about what she needs. For the goal driven, productivity junky that I am, this will be a major change. But then maybe that is why I get so stressed out anyway. I can't change the part of me that wants to learn something from every situation, at least not yet.
So this week and as long as we can, the conversation will be about what you want Mom, regardless of whether I can make it productive or not. Letting go of expectation.....
Not to be dissuaded because of course I need to find something constructive out of this experience, I am faced with the truth that these topics are what are important to Mom right now. No matter how unimportant I find them and think we need to make better use of the time, to her this must be an important use of her time. I've said before how so many things in my life interconnect. I have discovered how much I love yoga. Of course physically it gives me a good work out, but more importantly, I've discovered how the philosophy is great for de-stressing. One of our yoga teachers repeats several times in class; letting go of competition, letting go of expectation, living in the moment. In this situation, I'm realizing I have to let go of expectation. What seems to be a good use of time and significant to me, is not for Mom. And in my quest to always be productive, I may have to resort to doing something mindless at the same time as I'm listening, like scan old pictures. For the 1 hour I'm talking to Mom every week, I have to let go of that time and let it be about what she needs. For the goal driven, productivity junky that I am, this will be a major change. But then maybe that is why I get so stressed out anyway. I can't change the part of me that wants to learn something from every situation, at least not yet.
So this week and as long as we can, the conversation will be about what you want Mom, regardless of whether I can make it productive or not. Letting go of expectation.....
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Stress of Leadership
I think the loss of resident recently plus personal stress is getting to me. I feel exhausted. Yet I know as the leader, I need to set the example for how to keep going, keep working to make our residents have the best quality of life possible. On the other hand, I can also empathize with the stress of balancing work and family. I doesn't matter that the majority of my workers are just above minimum wage employees. When you are a working woman, you have to balance your work and your home life. Will I be a better boss if I can empathize? I don't really know.
I have not yet filled the beds vacated by our recent losses. So on top of the feelings of loss associated with the residents and their families, we become close to the families when they are very involved, there is the stress to fill the beds. Our owners are really wonderful people who have many years in long term care and know that there is an ebb and flow to the census. So the pressure is mostly self inflicted. Although my boss is pretty focused on filling beds. After all, isn't that how we measure success in our lives? No wonder you see depression along with dementia so often. As a society, we do equate value of people based on what they are able to do, to perform.
My call with my parents last week echoed this theme. I could hear the sadness and frustration in my Mom's voice. She is frustrated because she can't do the things she used to do. In the past, most of her self concept was based on her "career". And it doesn't help that neither she nor my Dad have really ever been sick. She doesn't really understand what is going on. She keeps referring to the stroke. And the terms she uses doesn't really change anything. Her brain has changed. She seems to be getting to where she is realizing she is not going to get better. So on top of what is going on at work, I feel it is my responsibility to try to help my Mom reframe her situation and try to find the silver lining. Oh yeah, and both of my children are moving out of state to pursue their dreams. I'm proud of them, yet we have never before not had at least one of them in town with us.
My Bible study recently has been on the book of Ecclesiastes. It seems to be very much in line with my current mood. Vanity, vanity, all is vanity, a meaningless chasing after the wind. At least in the big picture I know how the book ends. There is a time for everything. My mission now, is to sift through and figure out how to interpret this time in my life.
I have not yet filled the beds vacated by our recent losses. So on top of the feelings of loss associated with the residents and their families, we become close to the families when they are very involved, there is the stress to fill the beds. Our owners are really wonderful people who have many years in long term care and know that there is an ebb and flow to the census. So the pressure is mostly self inflicted. Although my boss is pretty focused on filling beds. After all, isn't that how we measure success in our lives? No wonder you see depression along with dementia so often. As a society, we do equate value of people based on what they are able to do, to perform.
My call with my parents last week echoed this theme. I could hear the sadness and frustration in my Mom's voice. She is frustrated because she can't do the things she used to do. In the past, most of her self concept was based on her "career". And it doesn't help that neither she nor my Dad have really ever been sick. She doesn't really understand what is going on. She keeps referring to the stroke. And the terms she uses doesn't really change anything. Her brain has changed. She seems to be getting to where she is realizing she is not going to get better. So on top of what is going on at work, I feel it is my responsibility to try to help my Mom reframe her situation and try to find the silver lining. Oh yeah, and both of my children are moving out of state to pursue their dreams. I'm proud of them, yet we have never before not had at least one of them in town with us.
My Bible study recently has been on the book of Ecclesiastes. It seems to be very much in line with my current mood. Vanity, vanity, all is vanity, a meaningless chasing after the wind. At least in the big picture I know how the book ends. There is a time for everything. My mission now, is to sift through and figure out how to interpret this time in my life.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
It's Never Easy to Let Go
It has been a rough month. Earlier in the month, we had a resident have a massive heart attack and die on the spot. Then 2 weeks later, one of our long term residents got up from the table and said she felt funny. She has mid stage dementia, so we know she is not always the greatest in communicating what is going on, but knew that was extremely unusual, so sent her out to the emergency room. She was diagnosed with a brain bleed and died several days later. Her funeral was yesterday. While she was in the hospital, I had several conversations with her family. One of the children had said to me before that the Mom they knew was gone a long time ago. They could see glimpses of the person they once knew once in a while, but for the most part were committed to providing the best care for the body that was once their mother. Even though she had been "gone" for a long time, it was so hard to see her children and how hard it was on them. Certainly when we care for someone for several years, we become attached and it is hard to say good bye as well. I could tell myself and also discussed with the family how a massive bleed like that was relatively quick and she did not seem to experience pain. And some comfort knowing she did not get to where she was basically a physical shell, having total care provided.
Which is the other side of the coin. Another resident took a rapid turn for the worse recently. Both his family and our staff feel certain it is the result of depression related to unresolved family relationship. But he had come to the point very quickly that he needed more care than we can provide in assisted living. It was hard for everyone, well except him maybe. The family wanted him to stay in assisted living as long as possible. He had gone to the in patient geriatric psychiatric unit to see if the depression would respond to a change in medication. But he continued to decline and just seemed to have given up. Even though we know he needs to go where he will get the appropriate level of care, it is hard to watch someone you have grown to care about decline.
I guess I should remind myself that if we did not truly care about our residents, it would not matter to us. But we do care about them and do become attached and it is hard to say good bye. I can only hope that I have fulfilled my mission to provide the best quality of life for these residents during the time they stay with us. And knowing that may take some of the sting out of losing them.
Which is the other side of the coin. Another resident took a rapid turn for the worse recently. Both his family and our staff feel certain it is the result of depression related to unresolved family relationship. But he had come to the point very quickly that he needed more care than we can provide in assisted living. It was hard for everyone, well except him maybe. The family wanted him to stay in assisted living as long as possible. He had gone to the in patient geriatric psychiatric unit to see if the depression would respond to a change in medication. But he continued to decline and just seemed to have given up. Even though we know he needs to go where he will get the appropriate level of care, it is hard to watch someone you have grown to care about decline.
I guess I should remind myself that if we did not truly care about our residents, it would not matter to us. But we do care about them and do become attached and it is hard to say good bye. I can only hope that I have fulfilled my mission to provide the best quality of life for these residents during the time they stay with us. And knowing that may take some of the sting out of losing them.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
What is Success?
It has been a rough couple of weeks for the assisted living as far as census goes. I have had 1 empty bed since the first of the year. Last month I had a lady fall and break a hip and she did not recover well enough in rehab to return to assisted living. One lady has a daughter who is getting a divorce and decided to move back to town and have her mother come live with her. Then in the last 2 weeks I have 2 residents die very suddenly. And finally, one other resident's dementia is progressing to where he needs to go to the nursing home.
Even though the owner assures me this is part of the long term care industry, it makes me really nervous. I know that we have to make money to keep the building open. On the one hand, I am trying to trust that God has a plan and He knows what He is doing. When I look back over the admissions I've had over the past couple years, they seem to come out of the blue. I feel like this is what God has called me to do and so far He has always made sure there were residents for me to care for. But trust is difficult when you are not in control and it doesn't look like there are any takers waiting on the waiting list. I guess that is why they call it faith.
So I was walking my dog one morning. I frequently use that time to pray, but I admit sometimes my mind wanders. I was thinking back over the previous day. I had another resident who was thinking she needed to go to the nursing home, but she really wanted to stay in assisted living. I spent a lot of time with her that day, reassuring her that we could provide for her needs. While I was in there talking to her, she complained about pain in her knees. She has Icy Hot she puts on her arthritic knees to help the pain. So since I was right there, I offered to put it on her knees. While rubbing that on her knees, I saw that her legs and arms were really dry. So after the Icy Hot, I got her lotion and rubbed lotion all over her legs and arms. As I did it, I was thinking about how our elders have so infrequent touch of another human being and what a gift it was for me to be able to do this one small thing. As I rubbed her legs, I remembered back to some of the residents I took care of when I was working my way through college as a CNA. When I left work that day, I had felt the greatest sense of accomplishment, not in completing paperwork, but in those brief 10 minutes of really connecting with another human being. So as I was walking the dog, I had like a thunder bolt of a thought cross my mind. I was praying of course for God to send residents so I won't lose my job. But then the thought hits me, what the world sees as success is not necessarily success in God's eyes. Real, eternal success is the difference I was able to make in that one woman's life with ten minutes of my time.
Oh,that I could keep that perspective always. The doubts and the worries sneak in and get me off track. But regardless of how many "beds" are full, I hope I can keep my focus on what really counts. Not only for the residents and families I am responsible for at my job, but for eternity and ultimately in God's eyes.
Even though the owner assures me this is part of the long term care industry, it makes me really nervous. I know that we have to make money to keep the building open. On the one hand, I am trying to trust that God has a plan and He knows what He is doing. When I look back over the admissions I've had over the past couple years, they seem to come out of the blue. I feel like this is what God has called me to do and so far He has always made sure there were residents for me to care for. But trust is difficult when you are not in control and it doesn't look like there are any takers waiting on the waiting list. I guess that is why they call it faith.
So I was walking my dog one morning. I frequently use that time to pray, but I admit sometimes my mind wanders. I was thinking back over the previous day. I had another resident who was thinking she needed to go to the nursing home, but she really wanted to stay in assisted living. I spent a lot of time with her that day, reassuring her that we could provide for her needs. While I was in there talking to her, she complained about pain in her knees. She has Icy Hot she puts on her arthritic knees to help the pain. So since I was right there, I offered to put it on her knees. While rubbing that on her knees, I saw that her legs and arms were really dry. So after the Icy Hot, I got her lotion and rubbed lotion all over her legs and arms. As I did it, I was thinking about how our elders have so infrequent touch of another human being and what a gift it was for me to be able to do this one small thing. As I rubbed her legs, I remembered back to some of the residents I took care of when I was working my way through college as a CNA. When I left work that day, I had felt the greatest sense of accomplishment, not in completing paperwork, but in those brief 10 minutes of really connecting with another human being. So as I was walking the dog, I had like a thunder bolt of a thought cross my mind. I was praying of course for God to send residents so I won't lose my job. But then the thought hits me, what the world sees as success is not necessarily success in God's eyes. Real, eternal success is the difference I was able to make in that one woman's life with ten minutes of my time.
Oh,that I could keep that perspective always. The doubts and the worries sneak in and get me off track. But regardless of how many "beds" are full, I hope I can keep my focus on what really counts. Not only for the residents and families I am responsible for at my job, but for eternity and ultimately in God's eyes.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Resolving Relationships; The good and the bad
I've had a very concrete example the last couple weeks of why it is so important to have a psychiatrist involved with anyone who has dementia. I have seen over the years symptoms that could qualify as either depression or dementia, written off as the dementia progressing. I have a resident at the assisted living who falls in this category. But if you take the time to dig and because he has a psychiatrist that knows him well, we were able to correctly diagnosis and treat depression. His apathy, wanting to sleep much more including falling asleep at the table, and lack of interest in previous activities would seem to indicate the dementia was progressing. That is unless you knew that these symptoms began to appear just after he had a conversation with an estranged son.
You think sometimes that the same things hold true for everyone. The friends of this resident as well as myself thought, oh if only he could be in contact with his son again. That would make him so much happier. So pretty much out of the blue, this son contacts the resident. And for a time, he really was very happy. He talked about his son moving back to the area, living in his house and them becoming close. Then the weeks go by without another phone call and we see the symptoms begin. The resident is not as active or in the usually jolly mood. He seems to want to just sit in his room and sleep. Then another phone call and almost immediate improvement. I don't know what was actually said and what might have been wishful thinking. But the resident was under the impression the son would be in town in 4 days. So guess what happens when 4 days pass and no son. Again the symptoms begin and increase to where we have serious concerns about him falling because he seems so sleepy all the time. Absolutely no medication changes during that time, so it can't be blamed on medication. Someone who did not know him well would probably assume it was the dementia progressing. Thankfully he has the support of people who encouraged him to get the help of the psychiatrist. With medication changes, he seems to be improving slowly, but improving.
As happens so often, what happens at work for me strikes a chord with what is happening with my Mom. For the last couple months, she has been talking about her estranged brother. There were issues after the death of my grandmother. Greed and feelings of not being loved as much as the other were probably the root of the problem. The result was a restraining order against my uncle to not have contact with my mother. Now, I can tell, this relationship fissure is on her mind. She tells me she has dreams about her brother.
My Dad searched the internet for contact information and came up with incorrect information. I had a long shot to reach my cousin and had success. So, as usual, I rope my brothers into the situation. My analysis, having worked in hospice for a few years, is that mending broken relationships can be a very important part of spiritual healing in the last days and years of a person's life. One brother contributes that there should be no trust at all of the uncle based on past behavior. Probably a true statement. The other brother, who happens to be the middle child, has a middle view. He advocates conservative contact, setting ground rules to protect our mother as much as possible. Given what happened with the resident at work, I'm not so sure now what the "right" answer is. Fortunately, my solution is to chicken out and leave the decision up to my dad. Of course based on some other experiences at work, I realize the decision really isn't for me and my brothers at this point anyway, but that is for another note.
I think we would all wish for broken relationships to be ended and to feel positive resolution before we leave this earth and have no more opportunities to resolve things. But at the same time, we live on a broken earth filled with less than perfect people. Trying to resolve opens you up to possible hurt as well. Why is it I feel like the more experience I have, the less I think I know? Now I just hope my Dad doesn't ask me any advice on what he should do since I have so neatly dumped the decision in his lap.
You think sometimes that the same things hold true for everyone. The friends of this resident as well as myself thought, oh if only he could be in contact with his son again. That would make him so much happier. So pretty much out of the blue, this son contacts the resident. And for a time, he really was very happy. He talked about his son moving back to the area, living in his house and them becoming close. Then the weeks go by without another phone call and we see the symptoms begin. The resident is not as active or in the usually jolly mood. He seems to want to just sit in his room and sleep. Then another phone call and almost immediate improvement. I don't know what was actually said and what might have been wishful thinking. But the resident was under the impression the son would be in town in 4 days. So guess what happens when 4 days pass and no son. Again the symptoms begin and increase to where we have serious concerns about him falling because he seems so sleepy all the time. Absolutely no medication changes during that time, so it can't be blamed on medication. Someone who did not know him well would probably assume it was the dementia progressing. Thankfully he has the support of people who encouraged him to get the help of the psychiatrist. With medication changes, he seems to be improving slowly, but improving.
As happens so often, what happens at work for me strikes a chord with what is happening with my Mom. For the last couple months, she has been talking about her estranged brother. There were issues after the death of my grandmother. Greed and feelings of not being loved as much as the other were probably the root of the problem. The result was a restraining order against my uncle to not have contact with my mother. Now, I can tell, this relationship fissure is on her mind. She tells me she has dreams about her brother.
My Dad searched the internet for contact information and came up with incorrect information. I had a long shot to reach my cousin and had success. So, as usual, I rope my brothers into the situation. My analysis, having worked in hospice for a few years, is that mending broken relationships can be a very important part of spiritual healing in the last days and years of a person's life. One brother contributes that there should be no trust at all of the uncle based on past behavior. Probably a true statement. The other brother, who happens to be the middle child, has a middle view. He advocates conservative contact, setting ground rules to protect our mother as much as possible. Given what happened with the resident at work, I'm not so sure now what the "right" answer is. Fortunately, my solution is to chicken out and leave the decision up to my dad. Of course based on some other experiences at work, I realize the decision really isn't for me and my brothers at this point anyway, but that is for another note.
I think we would all wish for broken relationships to be ended and to feel positive resolution before we leave this earth and have no more opportunities to resolve things. But at the same time, we live on a broken earth filled with less than perfect people. Trying to resolve opens you up to possible hurt as well. Why is it I feel like the more experience I have, the less I think I know? Now I just hope my Dad doesn't ask me any advice on what he should do since I have so neatly dumped the decision in his lap.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Full Circle
I spent the day at the annual Alzheimer's Conference. It is a conference put on by our local Alzheimer's Resource Center. In the past, I have gone for Continuing Education Credits. One of the speakers for today's conference I have heard several times at various CEU conferences. I was somewhat dreading the session because I had heard him speak several times before. While he is a good speaker, I figured I would hear the same information I have heard before. After he started speaking, I realized I would get more out of the session if I listened as a caregiver this time and not a long term care professional. I think he had some new information, but at the same time, I heard different things when I listened as a daughter wanting to help my parents, rather than as the professional helping strangers.
He was giving tips on things to remember as a caregiver. One of his tips really hit home with me. He talked about meeting people where they are and really getting to the core of who people are, not the construct of the various roles they have had over the years. It really hit home with me and brought me back to when I first got into long term care. I remember feeling sad that family members could not see the person I saw at the nursing home. Yes they needed someone to help them go to the bathroom, but there were still aspects to really appreciate and enjoy. Because I had not known these residents in their younger, "productive: years, I was able to appreciate them for who they were at that moment. In my 20's as a idealistic young professional, I couldn't understand where the families were coming from.
Now as a family member, I have been watching and "counting" the losses as they have mounted. We all have been measuring what is not there any more, not looking at what is still there. In my own, mid-life crisis of sorts, I have been wrestling with who is the person really at the core, not dependent on my success at my job, at my roles and relationships, but who am I really. So how ironic I have to go to a conference where I finally get it from a stranger that the professional who does so well with strangers, needs to do what I do on the job with my own mother. But then again, another of his tips was to not wallow in regret. So I will take his advice and be thankful that no matter how long it took me to "get it", I have. Now to move on and help my Dad get to that place as well, and my brothers. I thank God for His involvement in my life and giving me the experiences that point me in the direction I need to go.
He was giving tips on things to remember as a caregiver. One of his tips really hit home with me. He talked about meeting people where they are and really getting to the core of who people are, not the construct of the various roles they have had over the years. It really hit home with me and brought me back to when I first got into long term care. I remember feeling sad that family members could not see the person I saw at the nursing home. Yes they needed someone to help them go to the bathroom, but there were still aspects to really appreciate and enjoy. Because I had not known these residents in their younger, "productive: years, I was able to appreciate them for who they were at that moment. In my 20's as a idealistic young professional, I couldn't understand where the families were coming from.
Now as a family member, I have been watching and "counting" the losses as they have mounted. We all have been measuring what is not there any more, not looking at what is still there. In my own, mid-life crisis of sorts, I have been wrestling with who is the person really at the core, not dependent on my success at my job, at my roles and relationships, but who am I really. So how ironic I have to go to a conference where I finally get it from a stranger that the professional who does so well with strangers, needs to do what I do on the job with my own mother. But then again, another of his tips was to not wallow in regret. So I will take his advice and be thankful that no matter how long it took me to "get it", I have. Now to move on and help my Dad get to that place as well, and my brothers. I thank God for His involvement in my life and giving me the experiences that point me in the direction I need to go.
Friday, April 4, 2014
It's About Time
The Caregiver Support Group met yesterday. I had arranged a speaker from the local medical supply company to talk about equipment that is available. After he finished speaking, it was evident the longest attending member needed the support of the group. Since the last meeting a month ago, there had been a major decline for her husband. At the last meeting, he was having more trouble with mobility, but he was still walking. Since then, he had a fall and now he is pretty much bedridden. This caregiver had previously gotten someone to come sit with her husband at night so she could sleep and not worry that he would try to get out of bed and fall. Now, she has 2 shifts of outside caregivers and she takes the 3-11 shift herself. She also has the tremendous support of hospice.
Sometimes I get frustrated because so few people attend the support group. I feel like it is a waste of time. Usually the local paper will print my announcements of the upcoming meeting. This month they did not. But as always when I look back, it seems to be for the best. This caregiver really needed to be able to freely share how she was feeling. She could be honest with the group that her son is no help and she is better off staying away from him than getting frustrated with his lack of support. The other 2 members, as you would expect in such a group, are very compassionate and caring. Not only did they exchange phone numbers so they can talk throughout the month for support, but I had to leave for an appointment and they stayed after I left and talked. I have to reframe my idea of success I think.
So what about time? We are trying to encourage my dad to move he and my mom closer to me so he can have family support. Yet we know it is important for him to be independent. My brother even said when he asked me, "I know you can't predict but how long will we have until she requires more care?"
We talked about that at the support group yesterday. I am asked by families all the time, how long can mother stay in assisted living before she will need to go to the nursing home? How long does someone live with this disease? At least I am comfortable enough with my skills and knowledge now to be okay with telling people, "you can't predict". The above caregiver has said many times, they started trying to figure out what the problem was in 2007 when her husband was complaining about not being able to see. Seven years, that fall right in with the guideline the Alzheimer's Association gives of 8 to 10 years. Who knows how long her husband will live bedridden. When I went to work for hospice, we had a patient who was considered end stage Alzheimer's disease. When I left hospice 4 years later, he was still alive.
Of course it is important to at least have an idea about time so you can make plans. I worry about this caregiver. Can she really provide hands on care for her husband ongoing for years? Right now she has the other shifts covered, but as I well know, employees come and go. Regardless of how many years, how much time is left, how do we invest the time we have now? I wish my parents were close so I could spend time with them. But since they aren't I will do the next best thing and invest time where I can. I will try to do better about not multi-tasking during our weekly phone calls. I will try to do better about sending cards and letters during the week. I guess one of the good things about the sandwich generation is that once you get to my age, you realize the exhausting time raising your children was really relatively short. And now I can see that the time to be able to share with my parents, especially where my mother will remember, will be relatively short as well. Even more than money, I need to invest my time wisely.
Sometimes I get frustrated because so few people attend the support group. I feel like it is a waste of time. Usually the local paper will print my announcements of the upcoming meeting. This month they did not. But as always when I look back, it seems to be for the best. This caregiver really needed to be able to freely share how she was feeling. She could be honest with the group that her son is no help and she is better off staying away from him than getting frustrated with his lack of support. The other 2 members, as you would expect in such a group, are very compassionate and caring. Not only did they exchange phone numbers so they can talk throughout the month for support, but I had to leave for an appointment and they stayed after I left and talked. I have to reframe my idea of success I think.
So what about time? We are trying to encourage my dad to move he and my mom closer to me so he can have family support. Yet we know it is important for him to be independent. My brother even said when he asked me, "I know you can't predict but how long will we have until she requires more care?"
We talked about that at the support group yesterday. I am asked by families all the time, how long can mother stay in assisted living before she will need to go to the nursing home? How long does someone live with this disease? At least I am comfortable enough with my skills and knowledge now to be okay with telling people, "you can't predict". The above caregiver has said many times, they started trying to figure out what the problem was in 2007 when her husband was complaining about not being able to see. Seven years, that fall right in with the guideline the Alzheimer's Association gives of 8 to 10 years. Who knows how long her husband will live bedridden. When I went to work for hospice, we had a patient who was considered end stage Alzheimer's disease. When I left hospice 4 years later, he was still alive.
Of course it is important to at least have an idea about time so you can make plans. I worry about this caregiver. Can she really provide hands on care for her husband ongoing for years? Right now she has the other shifts covered, but as I well know, employees come and go. Regardless of how many years, how much time is left, how do we invest the time we have now? I wish my parents were close so I could spend time with them. But since they aren't I will do the next best thing and invest time where I can. I will try to do better about not multi-tasking during our weekly phone calls. I will try to do better about sending cards and letters during the week. I guess one of the good things about the sandwich generation is that once you get to my age, you realize the exhausting time raising your children was really relatively short. And now I can see that the time to be able to share with my parents, especially where my mother will remember, will be relatively short as well. Even more than money, I need to invest my time wisely.
Friday, March 28, 2014
The stage of Denial
My Dad sent all 3 of us an e-mail update on how Mom is doing. Over the last month, he has been talking about wanting to get an MRI to see if there have been any changes. I have hung back, trying to offer support but letting him take the direction he feels is needed. In his e-mail he shares that the doctor was quite blunt that there was no need to do an MRI. He has never come out and told me that they have been given a diagnosis of dementia. But he has made a point of showing me what medication they have prescribed, which is the standard Aricept and Namenda I know is only used for dementia. So I decided I would contact Mom's primary care doctor, who is fabulous, to find out what diagnosis was actually made.
My only regret when my parents move here is that they will no longer have their doctor. This is the second time she has called me herself. I don't usually get phone calls from the actual doctor even at work. Her phone call was very helpful in seeing what is going on. It seems that on several fronts, the primary care doc, the neurologist and the psychiatrist have all specified dementia to both my Mom and Dad. I brought home a caregiver book for male caregivers that I had at work for the Caregiver Support Group. On almost the first page it talked about how it is very normal for people to experience denial.
Then I did the V-8 slap to the forehead. How could I of all people, 8 years experience in mental health and 20 in long term care, not realize there would be denial. And I'm reminded that not only do my brothers and I have Mom and her symptoms of dementia to deal with, but Dad is going through great loss. It just reminds me that if I can forget something as basic as the stages of grief, how much more do families who do not have my experience get overwhelmed when dealing with this illness and its effects on everyone involved. It reminds me once again, that we are all learning every day. Don't assume anything. Learn from your mistakes and keep pressing on.
My only regret when my parents move here is that they will no longer have their doctor. This is the second time she has called me herself. I don't usually get phone calls from the actual doctor even at work. Her phone call was very helpful in seeing what is going on. It seems that on several fronts, the primary care doc, the neurologist and the psychiatrist have all specified dementia to both my Mom and Dad. I brought home a caregiver book for male caregivers that I had at work for the Caregiver Support Group. On almost the first page it talked about how it is very normal for people to experience denial.
Then I did the V-8 slap to the forehead. How could I of all people, 8 years experience in mental health and 20 in long term care, not realize there would be denial. And I'm reminded that not only do my brothers and I have Mom and her symptoms of dementia to deal with, but Dad is going through great loss. It just reminds me that if I can forget something as basic as the stages of grief, how much more do families who do not have my experience get overwhelmed when dealing with this illness and its effects on everyone involved. It reminds me once again, that we are all learning every day. Don't assume anything. Learn from your mistakes and keep pressing on.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Staying in the Moment versus Planning Ahead
I started taking Yoga about 6 months ago. I started because my husband wanted to do something that would compliment his running. I was at first an unwilling participant. As the classes went on, I realized that the focus on the pose and breath really was extremely helpful for stress management. I have always been a worrier. And while I know it contributes to my high blood pressure and stress, it is a really difficult habit for me to break. So I am now a convert to yoga. One of the mantras of yoga is "living in the moment". That focus does so much for me to keep me from worrying, the most unproductive use of my time.
So when I look at how this impacts my life, I have to wonder about the balance between living in the moment but the need to plan ahead. I've said before, I better than anyone know what the future holds. I have found myself on several occasions, purposely pushing out the thoughts about Mom's eventual decline. I look at my residents or the loved ones of members of the support group and I know we will be there at some point. But I also know thinking about it only depresses me and does no good. Yet I am somewhat impatient with my dad for what I see as not planning ahead. With them 800 miles away, I can't be any help. He is handling things just fine now. I worry (still a work in progress for me) that his 24 hour 7 day a week caregiving will negatively impact his own health. I know one of my goals for this calendar year is to renovate 2 of our bathrooms. One needs to be done because the tub enclosure is falling apart. The other I want to do in the lower level with handicapped accessibility to prepare for my parents to come live with us. On this particular topic, I have found the balance.
But this balance shows up in other ways too. I suggested to my dad that we use their time share condo in a location close to where mom grew up, so we could enjoy it while she is still able. My youngest son is in the Air Force and stationed a long way away. Do we use our limited vacation time to see him or take what might be a last opportunity for Mom? Even longer down the road, do we go ahead and spend money on a vacation to enjoy the moment now or try to put more in our 401K's because all the experts say no one saves enough. How do you find the balance?
It seems I have been struggling with balance for most of my adult life. Trying to balance having a family and working. I don't think I did very well. Then working into having a balance of work and home with the kids grown and gone. Balancing living in the moment and enjoying what we will not have in the future as the illness progresses, versus the need to work and save for our own retirement. Once again, I am astounded by how the definition of wisdom keeps slapping me in the face as I get older. I really thought I had all the answers as a 20 something, go to college, have a great career, climb the ladder, have the perfect marriage and family. And the older I get the less I realize I know. I am thankful that I know God can use my own experience so I can then help others. If I did not have the faith that there is a greater purpose in all of this I believe I would be very depressed indeed.
So when I look at how this impacts my life, I have to wonder about the balance between living in the moment but the need to plan ahead. I've said before, I better than anyone know what the future holds. I have found myself on several occasions, purposely pushing out the thoughts about Mom's eventual decline. I look at my residents or the loved ones of members of the support group and I know we will be there at some point. But I also know thinking about it only depresses me and does no good. Yet I am somewhat impatient with my dad for what I see as not planning ahead. With them 800 miles away, I can't be any help. He is handling things just fine now. I worry (still a work in progress for me) that his 24 hour 7 day a week caregiving will negatively impact his own health. I know one of my goals for this calendar year is to renovate 2 of our bathrooms. One needs to be done because the tub enclosure is falling apart. The other I want to do in the lower level with handicapped accessibility to prepare for my parents to come live with us. On this particular topic, I have found the balance.
But this balance shows up in other ways too. I suggested to my dad that we use their time share condo in a location close to where mom grew up, so we could enjoy it while she is still able. My youngest son is in the Air Force and stationed a long way away. Do we use our limited vacation time to see him or take what might be a last opportunity for Mom? Even longer down the road, do we go ahead and spend money on a vacation to enjoy the moment now or try to put more in our 401K's because all the experts say no one saves enough. How do you find the balance?
It seems I have been struggling with balance for most of my adult life. Trying to balance having a family and working. I don't think I did very well. Then working into having a balance of work and home with the kids grown and gone. Balancing living in the moment and enjoying what we will not have in the future as the illness progresses, versus the need to work and save for our own retirement. Once again, I am astounded by how the definition of wisdom keeps slapping me in the face as I get older. I really thought I had all the answers as a 20 something, go to college, have a great career, climb the ladder, have the perfect marriage and family. And the older I get the less I realize I know. I am thankful that I know God can use my own experience so I can then help others. If I did not have the faith that there is a greater purpose in all of this I believe I would be very depressed indeed.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Business, the Enemy of Productive Work
Ok so last week's post was done while I was "talking" with Mom. Truth is, she talks, I listen and say "uh-huh" every so often. That is really what she wants. She is an extrovert and my dad is an introvert. I think the words build up in her and she has to get them out somewhere. But I know multi-tasking is not effective. I've even read the studies where they show that people who multi-task really don't do anything well. So why did I do it?
I'm always amazed at how different aspects of my life frequently converge. Of course I would say that is God trying to get my attention. So there is a work and faith blog I subscribe to. The theme this week has been we should work hard, yet we should remember to rest (like God did after creation) and as we see Jesus do in the gospels. Yet being "busy" is not necessarily working hard. I am reminded of this at work, if I will slow down enough to listen. I have a resident who sees me walking quickly down the hall and he always says, "hurry, hurry, hurry". Yet if I stop and really think, there is nothing on my to-do list that is more important than stopping to take time to talk with a resident, family member or staff member (sometimes, one in particular could talk to a wall about nothing).
No offense, but is the goal to post to this blog once a week really more important than really focusing on what my mom is saying, at least the first time around. By time 2 or 3 I think I should get a pass to drift a little. So what I ended up doing last week was achieving my goal to post once a week. But the content of the post was meaningless. And after I hung up from talking to my mom, I remembered that there will come a time when I will miss being able to talk to her, even if the same threads repeat 3 times every conversation. I don't see it any more in assisted living, but I remember my days in the nursing home. I know the day will come, unless something else happens, when mom won't talk any more. And it's not like this is a new revelation for me. I realized after my youngest graduated from high school that I had wasted so much of my children's young lives focusing on work, something that should be way down the priority list. So again, another element of my life, yoga, is helping me to focus on the present. Something I need desperately.
So I vow to stop trying to multi-task. After all, if you think about it, what is really important in life is people and relationships. I wish I had not had to waste almost 50 years to realize what was really important. But then I don't want to waste any more of the present lamenting how I wasted my early years. Work hard, but rest. Focus on the present. Be thankful for what is now.
I'm always amazed at how different aspects of my life frequently converge. Of course I would say that is God trying to get my attention. So there is a work and faith blog I subscribe to. The theme this week has been we should work hard, yet we should remember to rest (like God did after creation) and as we see Jesus do in the gospels. Yet being "busy" is not necessarily working hard. I am reminded of this at work, if I will slow down enough to listen. I have a resident who sees me walking quickly down the hall and he always says, "hurry, hurry, hurry". Yet if I stop and really think, there is nothing on my to-do list that is more important than stopping to take time to talk with a resident, family member or staff member (sometimes, one in particular could talk to a wall about nothing).
No offense, but is the goal to post to this blog once a week really more important than really focusing on what my mom is saying, at least the first time around. By time 2 or 3 I think I should get a pass to drift a little. So what I ended up doing last week was achieving my goal to post once a week. But the content of the post was meaningless. And after I hung up from talking to my mom, I remembered that there will come a time when I will miss being able to talk to her, even if the same threads repeat 3 times every conversation. I don't see it any more in assisted living, but I remember my days in the nursing home. I know the day will come, unless something else happens, when mom won't talk any more. And it's not like this is a new revelation for me. I realized after my youngest graduated from high school that I had wasted so much of my children's young lives focusing on work, something that should be way down the priority list. So again, another element of my life, yoga, is helping me to focus on the present. Something I need desperately.
So I vow to stop trying to multi-task. After all, if you think about it, what is really important in life is people and relationships. I wish I had not had to waste almost 50 years to realize what was really important. But then I don't want to waste any more of the present lamenting how I wasted my early years. Work hard, but rest. Focus on the present. Be thankful for what is now.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Status Changes
The Caregiver Support Group met again this week. There was no guest speaker, just each member talking about their specific situations. Two of the long time members have seen drastic changes since the last time they attended. One man, who hasn't been at the group for many months, has seen his wife go from always being active to now being bed or chair bound. One of the ladies is really having a hard time physically handling her husband because he has declined greatly physically. Although it was a very open discussion, I could see how important the group can be for Caregivers. The gentleman talked about how the group helps him because he can see that things could be much worse. The woman was able to talk with another woman member of the group and really just vent and get her feelings out. It is different to be able to talk to someone who really understands what you are going through as opposed to friends who want to be sympathetic, but just can't relate. They were sharing stories that were funny, one of those if you don't laugh you'll cry. As the research shows, laughter is one of the best stress relievers.
I had invited one of the assisted living resident's daughters to attend. She is not a medical person and wants to learn more about the disease. She was not able to attend and I have to wonder if that is a good thing. Is it better to know what is going to happen or would it be overwhelming? I think this is one of those situations where God has everything under control. I wonder about the same thing with my dad. If they come to visit and he is able to go to a meeting, would it be helpful or would it be overwhelming? Again, I guess the best approach is one day at a time.
I had invited one of the assisted living resident's daughters to attend. She is not a medical person and wants to learn more about the disease. She was not able to attend and I have to wonder if that is a good thing. Is it better to know what is going to happen or would it be overwhelming? I think this is one of those situations where God has everything under control. I wonder about the same thing with my dad. If they come to visit and he is able to go to a meeting, would it be helpful or would it be overwhelming? Again, I guess the best approach is one day at a time.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Hope versus Reality, is it either or?
Something has happened to upset the apple cart. When I get a call on my cell phone during the work week, I know something has happened. I no longer try to figure out what has happened. It doesn't really matter. I'm guessing Dad became impatient. I'm certainly not going to judge. That is one thing I tell families looking at assisted living all the time. Our staff can have loads of patience because they go home at the end of 8 hours and recharge and destress. Unlike the caregiver at home who is on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week. So I have to try to figure out what is the emotion that Mom is feeling. How do I support her without taking sides and still support Dad who has a really tough job.
This week the statement was, "I'm not an imbecile". So my guess is Dad has had to be directive with her about something, telling her what to do. And of course we rehash "the stroke" and in the book I sent her, "My stroke of Insight", the writer returned to her previous profession as a doctor. So of course Mom reasons, she will get everything back, she will be allowed to drive again and this is all temporary. Then she goes off on a tangent about her job. (We used to call it the 7 degrees of Lockhead, when the 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon was popular. No matter what topic you brought up- elk hunting in Norway- she could make anything relate to her job at Lockheed).
Now I will admit, I had less patience this week myself. I was trying to get everything done at work so I could leave early and we could go camping for the weekend. So I probably rushed through. In fact I remember cutting her off a couple time. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. I think her main thought was, she is not stupid after all she had a really good job, but I think she felt like Dad was treating her like she was not smart and had to tell her what to do. My thought process was, she is not going to get better. Dad will have to tell her what to do because her memory is failing. How do I get her to be ok with Dad telling her what to do without her feeling bad about herself. So I told her that the longer after the actual stroke, the slower (as in turtle pace) the recover, if any, would be. That the deficits she has now don't make her less of a person, but she may have to accept them and learn to live with them and be happy with the way life is now.
On the way to our camping trip, I'm telling my husband about the call. So he makes an off hand comment, about not wanting to lose hope. That gets me started worrying that I have done the wrong thing. That I should not be telling her things won't get better and taking away her hope, possibly causing her to become depressed. What is the right thing to do anyway? I am just thankful I am now doing yoga. At least when I am concentrating on the present while I'm doing yoga, I'm not worrying about whether I'm doing the right thing or not. Again, it give me better perspective for the Caregiver Support Group and the assisted living families. There is no right or wrong. In every situation, you just muddle through the best you can. Are my only choices hope- you will recover, it will all be like it used to be knowing this is a disease of progressive decline. Or risking hurting her feelings or causing depression by putting reality out there. Once again, my best hope is to pray for guidance. This disease is not for the faint hearted.
This week the statement was, "I'm not an imbecile". So my guess is Dad has had to be directive with her about something, telling her what to do. And of course we rehash "the stroke" and in the book I sent her, "My stroke of Insight", the writer returned to her previous profession as a doctor. So of course Mom reasons, she will get everything back, she will be allowed to drive again and this is all temporary. Then she goes off on a tangent about her job. (We used to call it the 7 degrees of Lockhead, when the 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon was popular. No matter what topic you brought up- elk hunting in Norway- she could make anything relate to her job at Lockheed).
Now I will admit, I had less patience this week myself. I was trying to get everything done at work so I could leave early and we could go camping for the weekend. So I probably rushed through. In fact I remember cutting her off a couple time. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. I think her main thought was, she is not stupid after all she had a really good job, but I think she felt like Dad was treating her like she was not smart and had to tell her what to do. My thought process was, she is not going to get better. Dad will have to tell her what to do because her memory is failing. How do I get her to be ok with Dad telling her what to do without her feeling bad about herself. So I told her that the longer after the actual stroke, the slower (as in turtle pace) the recover, if any, would be. That the deficits she has now don't make her less of a person, but she may have to accept them and learn to live with them and be happy with the way life is now.
On the way to our camping trip, I'm telling my husband about the call. So he makes an off hand comment, about not wanting to lose hope. That gets me started worrying that I have done the wrong thing. That I should not be telling her things won't get better and taking away her hope, possibly causing her to become depressed. What is the right thing to do anyway? I am just thankful I am now doing yoga. At least when I am concentrating on the present while I'm doing yoga, I'm not worrying about whether I'm doing the right thing or not. Again, it give me better perspective for the Caregiver Support Group and the assisted living families. There is no right or wrong. In every situation, you just muddle through the best you can. Are my only choices hope- you will recover, it will all be like it used to be knowing this is a disease of progressive decline. Or risking hurting her feelings or causing depression by putting reality out there. Once again, my best hope is to pray for guidance. This disease is not for the faint hearted.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
It's the Little Things You Miss
Nancy Reagan said it best when she coined the phrase "the Long Goodbye". We've begun to realize the little things that are gone. My brother has been single for 50 years and has now met someone he really cares about. Both my parents prayed for him to find someone to share his life with and to bring him happiness. He made the comment a few weeks ago that if he introduces his lady friend to my parents, she will never get to know the real Mom. The person of grand debates and witty come backs is gone. And there isn't a way to get her back. What a loss to not be able to show the person you love, the person who helped make you who you are today.
I am feeling that loss this week too. I've had a lot of stress with a traumatic relationship of my youngest son's. My heart breaks for him. Wanting to be a good mom, I want to be strong for him, to keep myself together so he can have that strong support. I really want to talk to my mommy and get that support for myself. But that is no longer an option for me as well. She is able to grasp the big picture. She asks me about 5 times during our weekly phone conversations how he is doing and how angry she is with his now ex-wife. But I know a true conversation with support and understanding is just not possible. I miss that and I grieve the loss of that possibility.
Some Bible teachers talk about how God gives us challenges and trials to bring us closer to Him. I am thankful I am a believer. I really don't know how people who don't have faith can cope. I think back to several families from the assisted living and my nursing home days. How they talked about how they got to the place they were caring for and doing the right thing for a person who had become a stranger. The strength to do that just boggles my mind. At the time, I nodded my head, understanding in the logic part of my brain. But to feel what they must have felt brings me a whole new admiration for the tremendous people God has placed in my path. Thank God for them. Thank God for His strength when I have none.
I am feeling that loss this week too. I've had a lot of stress with a traumatic relationship of my youngest son's. My heart breaks for him. Wanting to be a good mom, I want to be strong for him, to keep myself together so he can have that strong support. I really want to talk to my mommy and get that support for myself. But that is no longer an option for me as well. She is able to grasp the big picture. She asks me about 5 times during our weekly phone conversations how he is doing and how angry she is with his now ex-wife. But I know a true conversation with support and understanding is just not possible. I miss that and I grieve the loss of that possibility.
Some Bible teachers talk about how God gives us challenges and trials to bring us closer to Him. I am thankful I am a believer. I really don't know how people who don't have faith can cope. I think back to several families from the assisted living and my nursing home days. How they talked about how they got to the place they were caring for and doing the right thing for a person who had become a stranger. The strength to do that just boggles my mind. At the time, I nodded my head, understanding in the logic part of my brain. But to feel what they must have felt brings me a whole new admiration for the tremendous people God has placed in my path. Thank God for them. Thank God for His strength when I have none.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Love and a Progressive Illness
This week my topic is not necessarily about dementia. I am so thankful for the deep and long lasting love my parents have that prompts my dad to be a devoted caregiver. Some times that is frustrating because I think they should move closer to me. But I know he is committed to "taking care of our own".
This week I watched a couple in our bowling league. In years past, the husband's mother would come to the bowling. I could tell she had some kind of neurological disease. She walked with a walker and had a tremor. I don't know them well enough to know exactly what the illness is. From my experience at the assisted living, I would guess maybe Huntington's disease. She must have progressed because she no longer comes with them to bowling. I look at the husband and I am guessing he has inherited the gene for whatever his mother has. The wife is crazy competitive when it comes to bowling. They played against our team this week. They didn't do so well and the wife gets so angry when they don't do well. In fact I had one person who used to be on their team say one of the reasons she quit the league bowling was because this gal is so crazy competitive.
So I heard the husband make the comment he was not doing well because he just didn't have the strength to throw the ball so it would hit right. It was kind of a lightening bolt for me. I got to thinking, here is a man with an illness that is going to make it almost impossible for him to continue to bowl well. The wife is so extremely competitive. At what point will she or will she ever, give up the competitiveness realizing he is just not going to be able to keep it up. Certainly I'm sure he can continue to bowl and enjoy it and try to keep what muscle mass he has currently. But it appears to be a progressive illness. Do you suppose she realizes what kind of emotional damage her competitiveness can do to her husband?
On this day after Valentine's Day, I'm reminded that true love is so much more than the movies and greeting cards proclaim. Here's to the couples, unknown out there, putting their love into action day after day. That is true love.
This week I watched a couple in our bowling league. In years past, the husband's mother would come to the bowling. I could tell she had some kind of neurological disease. She walked with a walker and had a tremor. I don't know them well enough to know exactly what the illness is. From my experience at the assisted living, I would guess maybe Huntington's disease. She must have progressed because she no longer comes with them to bowling. I look at the husband and I am guessing he has inherited the gene for whatever his mother has. The wife is crazy competitive when it comes to bowling. They played against our team this week. They didn't do so well and the wife gets so angry when they don't do well. In fact I had one person who used to be on their team say one of the reasons she quit the league bowling was because this gal is so crazy competitive.
So I heard the husband make the comment he was not doing well because he just didn't have the strength to throw the ball so it would hit right. It was kind of a lightening bolt for me. I got to thinking, here is a man with an illness that is going to make it almost impossible for him to continue to bowl well. The wife is so extremely competitive. At what point will she or will she ever, give up the competitiveness realizing he is just not going to be able to keep it up. Certainly I'm sure he can continue to bowl and enjoy it and try to keep what muscle mass he has currently. But it appears to be a progressive illness. Do you suppose she realizes what kind of emotional damage her competitiveness can do to her husband?
On this day after Valentine's Day, I'm reminded that true love is so much more than the movies and greeting cards proclaim. Here's to the couples, unknown out there, putting their love into action day after day. That is true love.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Observation about Long Term Memory
We all know that one of hallmarks of dementia is the loss of short term memory, but the long term memory remains through out most of the disease. I've seen it a hundred times. The resident that begins to be agitated in the afternoon because they need to go get the kids from the bus stop. The resident that wants to know who that old person in the window (mirror) is. I've never really thought about it much, it's just one of those facts.
But one of the repeated topics I hear from my mom every week is about how she can remember all kinds of things from her past. (also so typical, "I don't have any trouble with my memory. I remember things from my past as if they happened yesterday). To hear her explain, it seems that these memories float to the top of her awareness unbidden. It makes you wonder. The mind is such a marvelous creation. It is working all the time whether we know it or not. From the to do list that starts in your head when you are trying to go to sleep, to the rhythm of your breathing, to your dreams where they say you are trying to work out problems in your sleep. On and on the brain goes without our conscious thought. So it makes me wonder. This phenomenon of beginning to live in the past. Is it the brain working over time? Because the short term memory centers are damaged and the brain has to keep working, is that why these long term memories surface?
I'm sure I will never understand why. The more we learn, the more we realize we don't know about this disease. But I hope I can have some kind of take away to help not only my own family, but my assisted living residents. Meet them where they are, that is the philosophy. You just have to discover where that might be and try to join them.
But one of the repeated topics I hear from my mom every week is about how she can remember all kinds of things from her past. (also so typical, "I don't have any trouble with my memory. I remember things from my past as if they happened yesterday). To hear her explain, it seems that these memories float to the top of her awareness unbidden. It makes you wonder. The mind is such a marvelous creation. It is working all the time whether we know it or not. From the to do list that starts in your head when you are trying to go to sleep, to the rhythm of your breathing, to your dreams where they say you are trying to work out problems in your sleep. On and on the brain goes without our conscious thought. So it makes me wonder. This phenomenon of beginning to live in the past. Is it the brain working over time? Because the short term memory centers are damaged and the brain has to keep working, is that why these long term memories surface?
I'm sure I will never understand why. The more we learn, the more we realize we don't know about this disease. But I hope I can have some kind of take away to help not only my own family, but my assisted living residents. Meet them where they are, that is the philosophy. You just have to discover where that might be and try to join them.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Scary Situations Out There
I had a lady come tour last week. She was referred to us by the sitter service she is currently using. Her family pays for a sitter 4 hours a day. She is in the mid stages of Alzheimer's probably about the same place as my mother, maybe a little further along. We toured one of our rooms, went next door to talk to the resident in that room and when we walked by the empty room we had just toured less than 10 minutes before, it was new to her.
The director of the sitter service says the lady cries when the sitters leave every day because she is scared. Her family lives out of town, like so many these days. I'm sure 4 hours a day at $15 an hour is what the family can afford. Yet I shudder to think of this lady home alone for 20 hours a day. Like so many situations, the family doesn't want to upset her by talking about assisted living. Unfortunately, the symptoms of dementia are such that there comes a time when the individual can no longer be the one to make those decisions.
I have one resident who stayed at home until she burned her house down and then had no where else to go. Luckily, she was not killed in the fire. A year or so ago, there was another fire in a town close by and the owner was not so lucky. The news talked about how she was known to have Alzheimer's disease. And these are just the situations I am aware of. Our nurse at assisted living also works in the emergency room of the local hospital. She sees a lot and tells me I just can't imagine what is out there in the community.
I know it's not easy to make an unpopular decision. But is it preferable to leave someone home alone who is not really able to care for themselves and who is scared on top of it? I can only imagine the situation is going to get worse. Skilled nursing paid for by Medicaid is going to get more difficult to qualify for as their budget gets overwhelmed by the age tsunami. People of this generation have mostly not purchased long term care insurance. Too many have relied on social security only for their retirement. People of my generation have to keep working until we die because we can't afford to quit working. I don't know the answer, but it is scary.
The director of the sitter service says the lady cries when the sitters leave every day because she is scared. Her family lives out of town, like so many these days. I'm sure 4 hours a day at $15 an hour is what the family can afford. Yet I shudder to think of this lady home alone for 20 hours a day. Like so many situations, the family doesn't want to upset her by talking about assisted living. Unfortunately, the symptoms of dementia are such that there comes a time when the individual can no longer be the one to make those decisions.
I have one resident who stayed at home until she burned her house down and then had no where else to go. Luckily, she was not killed in the fire. A year or so ago, there was another fire in a town close by and the owner was not so lucky. The news talked about how she was known to have Alzheimer's disease. And these are just the situations I am aware of. Our nurse at assisted living also works in the emergency room of the local hospital. She sees a lot and tells me I just can't imagine what is out there in the community.
I know it's not easy to make an unpopular decision. But is it preferable to leave someone home alone who is not really able to care for themselves and who is scared on top of it? I can only imagine the situation is going to get worse. Skilled nursing paid for by Medicaid is going to get more difficult to qualify for as their budget gets overwhelmed by the age tsunami. People of this generation have mostly not purchased long term care insurance. Too many have relied on social security only for their retirement. People of my generation have to keep working until we die because we can't afford to quit working. I don't know the answer, but it is scary.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Hard Won Insight
My week ended with a meeting requested by one of our assisted living family members. When she called to set it up, I already had set my mind to dread it. This is a family member I just can not seem to please. Whenever she says anything to me, it is a complaint. Even when there might be the hint of a compliment, there is a "but" that goes with it to negate the compliment. We just can't seem to do things right for her. Her personality is such that it comes across very forcefully and harsh. I guess I am spoiled because what we usually hear from families is how great we are, how much they appreciate what we are doing. And of course that is what we all want to hear.
The night before, I was praying for strength and wisdom. My response was such a clear message that this daughter very much wants to be in control and I needed to listen and respect that, I can't help but believe it was an answer to prayer. I was reminded of the phrase Joyce Meyer uses so often, hurting people hurt others. So while I still felt on the defensive and I know my body language was defensive, I at least went into the meeting with a better mindset than I would have otherwise.
During the meeting, this daughter pointed out all the ways her expectations had not been met. And I could not disagree with any of them. There was nothing that would endanger her father, but they were all valid complaints. But the most striking theme for me that came through was her desire to be involved. Many times we see families who are overwhelmed by the situation, taking care of mom or dad while working and taking care of their own families. They are relieved when we, "the professionals" come in and handle things with mom or dad and relieve some of their pressure. Yes this daughter has control issues, which I can see in myself as well. But if I stop and put myself in her shoes and how I would feel if we were talking about my mother, I was much better able to see her point. This is one family member that does not want the "professionals" to handle things and wants to be in control.
Although it certainly doesn't feel as good to have areas of growth pointed out to you as it does to get the praise of families, I left the message thankful for the opportunity to grow and to improve my team. Yes, I wanted to sit in a dark room and cry somewhere for not having everything perfect, because I am a perfectionist. But if I move past my own feelings and acknowledge her points, it will only help me improve care for residents and families. I have never realized how much caring for families is just as important a part of my job as I have recently.
When I look at my life I am so amazed at how God really does have a perfect plan. The crazy patchwork of jobs I have held over the past 25 years has perfectly prepared me to care for residents, supervise staff in a supportive manner, counsel families and community members and prepare me for my own family's needs. And at the same time, my mother's illness is equipping me with the experience to be better at my job. I have to keep reminding myself that spiritual, emotional and vocational growth is like exercise, when you exercise to improve your muscles, there is discomfort. But that discomfort is a reminder that you are improving. And so in the end, I am thankful for the hard meeting.
The night before, I was praying for strength and wisdom. My response was such a clear message that this daughter very much wants to be in control and I needed to listen and respect that, I can't help but believe it was an answer to prayer. I was reminded of the phrase Joyce Meyer uses so often, hurting people hurt others. So while I still felt on the defensive and I know my body language was defensive, I at least went into the meeting with a better mindset than I would have otherwise.
During the meeting, this daughter pointed out all the ways her expectations had not been met. And I could not disagree with any of them. There was nothing that would endanger her father, but they were all valid complaints. But the most striking theme for me that came through was her desire to be involved. Many times we see families who are overwhelmed by the situation, taking care of mom or dad while working and taking care of their own families. They are relieved when we, "the professionals" come in and handle things with mom or dad and relieve some of their pressure. Yes this daughter has control issues, which I can see in myself as well. But if I stop and put myself in her shoes and how I would feel if we were talking about my mother, I was much better able to see her point. This is one family member that does not want the "professionals" to handle things and wants to be in control.
Although it certainly doesn't feel as good to have areas of growth pointed out to you as it does to get the praise of families, I left the message thankful for the opportunity to grow and to improve my team. Yes, I wanted to sit in a dark room and cry somewhere for not having everything perfect, because I am a perfectionist. But if I move past my own feelings and acknowledge her points, it will only help me improve care for residents and families. I have never realized how much caring for families is just as important a part of my job as I have recently.
When I look at my life I am so amazed at how God really does have a perfect plan. The crazy patchwork of jobs I have held over the past 25 years has perfectly prepared me to care for residents, supervise staff in a supportive manner, counsel families and community members and prepare me for my own family's needs. And at the same time, my mother's illness is equipping me with the experience to be better at my job. I have to keep reminding myself that spiritual, emotional and vocational growth is like exercise, when you exercise to improve your muscles, there is discomfort. But that discomfort is a reminder that you are improving. And so in the end, I am thankful for the hard meeting.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Conversations about Nothing
I find myself thinking about the old TV show "Seinfeld". They called it a show about nothing. Over the years, I have learned how to do a great job having conversations about nothing. I had a call from Mom while I was at work again this week. I try to respond to those as soon as I can because I know it means something has happened that has triggered her to call me. Then it takes some investigative interviewing to figure out what it is.
I'm so thankful for the experiences God has provided over the years that allow me to slip into the therapeutic mode with Mom in these situations. I was running errands for work, so I did what I swear I would never do and talked on my cell phone while cashing the petty cash check, buying stamps, etc. From what I could figure out, Mom is bored. I understand very well the personality difference between she and my Dad because it is very much like the difference between me and my husband. I am happy as a clam to cocoon in the house with my knitting or other hobbies. My husband likes to be around other people. So too, my dad loves his workshop and can spend many happy hours working on a project. My mother has always been a social butterfly and needs to be around people. So the phone call this week was because she gets bored around the house while dad is in his workshop. I could also see with her, what I have seen in residents at the assisted living. They are bored and want to be busy, but the skills to self initiate a project and keep it going are gone. I have bought my mother abstract coloring books, a journal, a book to prompt her to write about her life and the materials to paint. But she is just not able to organize and take that first step. And probably even if she took the first step, could not maintain concentration to keep at it.
On the one hand, my problem solving brain kicked into gear, what could be done (by me long distance) to help with her need to do something and be with people? Secondly, but probably most important was to meet the emotional need at that time. At one point in the conversation it went through my head, even if they were here with me, I would be gone during the day and this would still be an issue. So I contacted the local Senior Center. I sent the information to my dad and we will see where it goes from there.
It was interesting kind of looking in from the outside at myself, kicking into the professional mode with my own family, playing detective trying to figure out what was going on, what where the needs she was trying to fill, navigating through the same threads of conversation every 5 minutes yet finding the questions to decipher the issue at hand. I've had lots of conversations about nothing with residents over the years. Having worked as a counselor getting to the emotional content of conversations and not so much the actual content, I guess it is a skill I'm pretty comfortable using. It seems pretty normal to me to go around and around and validate feelings while trying to mine for what the person is trying to express. So when I talked with my scientist brother, it was very interesting. He is a chemistry professor, the height of logical thought. So the same day when Mom called him and began circling round and round, he was not as prepared with how to respond. Yet what makes us such a good team is that with his logic, he was able to have a conversation with dad about how mom being pretty confused all the time effects him.
I don't care what anyone else says, if you think God does not have a plan, you are not paying attention. Thirty years of a crazy patchwork of jobs in long term care and mental health is the best preparation for what I'm dealing with now and I hope helping other families as well.
I'm so thankful for the experiences God has provided over the years that allow me to slip into the therapeutic mode with Mom in these situations. I was running errands for work, so I did what I swear I would never do and talked on my cell phone while cashing the petty cash check, buying stamps, etc. From what I could figure out, Mom is bored. I understand very well the personality difference between she and my Dad because it is very much like the difference between me and my husband. I am happy as a clam to cocoon in the house with my knitting or other hobbies. My husband likes to be around other people. So too, my dad loves his workshop and can spend many happy hours working on a project. My mother has always been a social butterfly and needs to be around people. So the phone call this week was because she gets bored around the house while dad is in his workshop. I could also see with her, what I have seen in residents at the assisted living. They are bored and want to be busy, but the skills to self initiate a project and keep it going are gone. I have bought my mother abstract coloring books, a journal, a book to prompt her to write about her life and the materials to paint. But she is just not able to organize and take that first step. And probably even if she took the first step, could not maintain concentration to keep at it.
On the one hand, my problem solving brain kicked into gear, what could be done (by me long distance) to help with her need to do something and be with people? Secondly, but probably most important was to meet the emotional need at that time. At one point in the conversation it went through my head, even if they were here with me, I would be gone during the day and this would still be an issue. So I contacted the local Senior Center. I sent the information to my dad and we will see where it goes from there.
It was interesting kind of looking in from the outside at myself, kicking into the professional mode with my own family, playing detective trying to figure out what was going on, what where the needs she was trying to fill, navigating through the same threads of conversation every 5 minutes yet finding the questions to decipher the issue at hand. I've had lots of conversations about nothing with residents over the years. Having worked as a counselor getting to the emotional content of conversations and not so much the actual content, I guess it is a skill I'm pretty comfortable using. It seems pretty normal to me to go around and around and validate feelings while trying to mine for what the person is trying to express. So when I talked with my scientist brother, it was very interesting. He is a chemistry professor, the height of logical thought. So the same day when Mom called him and began circling round and round, he was not as prepared with how to respond. Yet what makes us such a good team is that with his logic, he was able to have a conversation with dad about how mom being pretty confused all the time effects him.
I don't care what anyone else says, if you think God does not have a plan, you are not paying attention. Thirty years of a crazy patchwork of jobs in long term care and mental health is the best preparation for what I'm dealing with now and I hope helping other families as well.
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